“As children we all had needs that were not met by our caregivers.Experienced in a totally dependent state. In the powerlessness state as it is to be a small child and a newborn baby dependent on caregivers. The worse the child was treated the more needs in the child of power in her/his adult life…
these unmet needs are of a no-physical nature (warmth, safety,
support etc.). There are also unmet needs of a physical
nature (sexual integrity
and bodily safety). It is these unmet needs that
make it necessary for children
to hide the truth about their childhoods from
themselves. The truth being that
their needs are not being met and will not
ever be met.”
And this lack of power you can exercise as grown up in different ways… If you aren’t totally paralysed of trauma. Which also can be the case?
The more revenge feelings ad needs for control and power the more you need to exercise this as grow up in different ways… Depending on what opportunities you are given too.
For women the traditional way to do this is via their own children – if they have any. That has been an allowed object for her. Men have had other opportunities, but also exercised it at own children. See what Astrid Lindgren said I her speech about dictators, tyrants etc.
But not only this, but it also causes a lot of problem in the grown ups life, because trying to fill old unmet needs will always cause problems and troubles in relations. Will always distance you, maybe most to the ones that are most important. With whom you won’t have that grown up relation as really grown up to grown up. Maybe that’s an illusion to get the perfect relation?
And it is as Jennifer Freyd writes, that life will always be both wonderful and horrible. But the less unprocessed you have the better you can handle these facts!? The perfect life isn’t a life on roses, but you can handle the life as it is more or less constructively…
I am trying to catch something here…
Denying these truth will always cause problems… If we were able to feel the feelings that would have been adequate then we would have less needs to exercise them in out lives here and now. But this is no easy thing. And that fact would really be a reminder for us all; in how we are treating the up growing species. To prevent all problems we can for them… Because it is so difficult to deal with those things, which we should realize…
A psychologist said to me:
“Each generation has to work on its own”.That’s the possibility we all have. But I reacted against this statement, tried to point it out, but don’t feel he really took it to him or maybe didn’t even listen or hear what I said!? Because I thought that we should talk much more open about all these things everywhere in society.
But it was like mentioning a taboo-thing!!?? As if it forbidden to blame ones parents and seriously do that and see what comes out of that? If there was nothing to hide what would be the problem? I can’t see where the problem is then? And not least then!
A chid needed warmth, safety, respect, trust etc. on the emotional level, and sexual and physical integrity including bodily safety. If a grown up try to fulfil these needs in adult life it always causes problem, bigger or smaller…
And stands in the way for filling adult needs or even to realize what ones adult needs actually are…
Needs for power and control… But what needs does a grown up actually have in these respects?
I think Jenson is right when she writes at page 173 in the Swedish edition of her book that when we have realized how it actually was we willnot be able to hurt others without feeling their pain too. And: We will not believe that power and richness can give us something really important.
We won’t be able to live with anything but the truth – before ourselves and others. And the best, the better our mental health becomes the more we distance us from exercise of power and violence [wherever it occurs].
Den holländska terapeuten Ingeborg Bosch skriver i sin bok
”Rediscovering the True Self- A search for truth and healing. New insights combined with at comprehensive self-healing program” på sidan 271 om gamla ickefyllda behov:
“Som barn hade vi alla behov som inte blev fyllda av våra vårdnadsgivare.
Vanligtvis är dessa ofyllda behov av en ickefysisk natur (värme, trygghet,
respekt, tillit, stöd osv.). Det finns också behov av fysisk natur (sexuell
integritet och kroppslig trygghet). Det är dessa ickefyllda behov som gör det
nödvändigt för barn att dölja sanningen om sina barndomar för dem själva.
Sanningen att deras behov inte blev mötta och aldrig kommer att bli mötta.”