Low self esteem...

This blog post was also inspired by the Readers letter mentioned in the previous post... And written in the middle of writing another blog post, and posted before I have finished that blog post (about how Bosch sees on physical integrity)...

One of my piano teachers had studied for the pianist Robert Riefling in Oslo and later in Vienna for some years. On a concert in a small provincial town here he experienced something I think he thought was very frightening: after the concert he didn’t remember anything of what he had done!! If I remember right? But he was disconnected from the situation for a while at least.

He skipped all thoughts of working as pianist and started teaching instead. During the time I had him as teacher he started to study psychology on distance in Uppsala. I think this was round 1974 or 1975. And he got interested in mental training, which though still was used only by athletes. He tried this on us (there was a lot of experiments of all kinds during this decade!!?? The more I read here and there I come to wonder if it wasn’t like this. We had a form of group therapy which ended up quickly and rather bad in fact I think).

These studies led to a PhD for my piano teacher on "Mental Training For Musicians", but almost 10 years since I had left him? But he said something that I put on my mind; that low self esteem isn’t inherited. You can do something about it. But I am not sure with the tools he thought…

This is how we have seen on low self esteem (because, to use Millers way of resonating; you are forbidden to criticize your parents, remember the commandment "Honor thy...". You must to whatever prize protect your parents, which means sacrifice yourself, if you don't have any own children to sacrifice for not having to give up your idealized picture of how it was, how fantastic it was etc., maybe there where things, but in the whole everything was ok - my ironical remark, maybe very unfair? Am I allowed to be a little angry?): low self esteem is my disposition (läggning) is/can be to take the blame and guilt on you? And you have to stand there with the shame if you don't "succeed"...

“It’s my fault! It’s me that can’t cope and handle things!! I am bad! Worseless…” etc.

But it can also mean/means that you have an alibi for not trying to do anything about it!!??? And maybe that’s ok, that you keep on your whole life with your low self esteem – if you don’t have own children?? Pushing responsibility away from you… Does this responsibility disappear?? Or are others forced to take it, preferably own children (if you have any!! With quite a lot of irony)?? Who is forced to take care of, think of etc.? And this doesn’t matter for the one that has to think of, care of? Or? Does this child learn to take a lot of responsibility, maybe much too much (or display entire different traits: refusing to take any responsibility whatsoever?)?

Does this hinder the growing child to concentrate on its own development? And also severely affects it, with consequences for this individual’s whole life??

But, of course, if these traits, low self esteem for instance, are inherited… What can one then do?? It’s these traits fault!?? Things you can’t really change!?? Yes, maybe, by being clever, and deny your own problems… Just what society still applauds, that you

“take yourself in the collar”

as we say, and is capable of creating a successful life despite everything? That you get extremely admired for!? But if you don’t, or can’t… What then? If you have tried for many years, and been quite successful… But come to a breakdown or radically just don’t want to be so clever any more and go on pretending and putting up a false facade… But maybe start to live a more genuine life… Yes, for the first time start to live – a little bit at least!!! And just don’t play being alive, but actually try to reclaim some of that lost life!!!

So it is quite relieving to find texts (and research) that show what leads to low self esteem, that it maybe isn’t an inherited trait!!! But something charged (påfört). And is it strange if a child gets low self esteem of being badly treated???? Wouldn’t it be strange if it didn’t?

As in Holm's work in the chapter “Spanking and Poor Self esteem”, where it stood:

“…the dynamics in families who use physical violence. Hite discovered early on that it was very hard for the interviewees to talk about how they were beaten as children and about the emotions these memories awoke in them. They often speak of themselves in degrading terms and thus show signs of poor self-esteem and shame."

What if these blinders could be removed!? Your self esteem would maybe grow, a little at least? You would start to see the world differently, maybe even quite differently! And put the blame where it should be put and where it belongs!!?? Instead of where it doesn’t belong (on yourself or others around you that want you the best in fact even if you don't really see it).

By not questioning or seeing as wrong (when you for the first time in life have chance to it maybe!) who is protected? And is another part not protected instead, was another, innocent ones, sacrificed for this damage, for the refusal to see and acknowledge and feel??? Are the weakest and less strong the ones that gets protected, or is it the strongest and less weak? And what life do you yourself go on living? A half-life or a quarter-life or even less? Of benefit for whom? For anyone? For any helper either? When the ones are dead who committed this maybe too!!! But this maybe reflects how dangerous this still is for a grown up!! As if these parents would rise from their graves and… Yes, what would they do??

The Dutch Therapist Ingeborg Bosch has identified a defense which she calls Primary defense, which she means is the first one the small child (already as baby) adopts to survive the truth; it put the blame and guilt on itself for being so lousy to take care of itself… And she means that we adults also tend to resort to this as grown ups to protect ourselves against very painful realizations about the truth. We blame ourselves for not being able to cope better, for this and that… These feelings are easier to feel than what is lying under them… Women are more allowed to be self punishing than men. So women have this defense nearer surface than men, who pushes more down… Women tend to admit more to these traits then men.

And we also tend to switch between defenses Bosch means, if False Hope doesn’t function we resort to self blame or denial of our needs or gets angry… All this to protect us against very painful and scary things… She means that the child needed those to at all survive then. But grown ups can survive these feeling even if they are extremely painful for grown ups, still, extremely painful and scary to realize the truth… And if it is so scary for grown ups, how was it for a child then??

From bike tour...

The warmth is back... I picked a bouquet of meadow flowers - oh, how nice!! Now relaxation after having written the whole day??

That Readers' letter triggered a lot!!?? :-)