tisdag 19 juni 2007

More reflections...

Thought further on a word in the former blog post. Namely control. The need for control. I was about to go into the shower, but went back to the computer (and in the middle my cell phone rang: my new portable computer comes tomorrow!! Earlier than thought and expected!).

Some have an enormous need to control others, and they seek jobs as bosses so they can control others and the activity/business on a work place, maybe have a need to control it entirely? And the need for control can take a lot of other expressions, some more harmful and others less or even not so harmful to others, but more for the person with the control needs?

Took a break in writing for a shower and fixing up (soon midsummer) and some lunch. Thought further on even more themes... :-) The issue control lost all interest in my mind!! :-) I came to think about quite other things (or connected??).

About differences in relations when a child/children are involved and relations where only grown ups are involve.

A side track: I wrote a spontaneous email to Owe Wikström when I wrote the first blog post and got a reply from him almost immediately - short!! Without linking my blog or blog post though...

Doing practical things you have excellent opportunities to think about both this and that... When I have worked with gardening, sewing, water color painting, fixing up, doing the dishes etc. my brain works hard...

About working fast, struck me about my oldest nephew Daniel, 20, when he should help me to burn CD-records with photos on this computer: it went so fast that we didn't have time to chose what pictures we should burn! We just took the folders I had done on my USB-memory... And there was no time to check if the photos I had thought of actually was burnt... So maybe there are people that are even faster than I am!!! :-)

I thought about mind reading, communication, being sensitive or not, understanding or not when I worked here... Can one expect that grown ups between shall mind read each others? Of course insensitiveness can exists and exists!? Both parts have a "duty" to communicate their feelings, needs, wishes?? With this not said this is easy!! Sometimes even difficult??

A grown up doesn't have to find her/himself, but a child has, is forced, has no options... This doesn't mean a grown up can't feel trapped, forced. without options?? But usually, even if it is impossible to see or realize, a grown up in fact have options!? Jenson and Bosch mean that these feelings actually doesn't have so much with the present than we feel. When we feel something very strong it often is feelings from the past which are triggered. The strength of the feelings are or can be a sign of that.

Do we as grown ups need mind reading of other grown ups? What sort of understand and sensitiveness do we need, are we entitled to demand? Be seen, listened to, understood etc.?

Grown ups can usually demand all these things more than a child?? A child just can't walk away, a grown up usually can, or should be able if she/he isn't too severely harmed!?

Grown ups between: could demand mutual respect? Both have as much responsibility to communicate, to take things into consideration, and if it is about mind reading demand the same portion of mind reading or maybe one should call it sensitiveness?

But damages are no real excuses!!?? For taking more space - but not less either!!!! But as much space as the other part??

And whose responsibility that the other part works on his/hers?

I just through out a lot of thoughts...

If one demand a lot of sensitiveness, the other part must/should be allowed a similar sensitiveness back!!??? But this is no technical thing where you start to weigh or measure!!??? But is a question of communication... Not easy, no??? Sometimes even very difficult, meybe even extremely difficult?? And sometimes even impossible to solve??

And I came to wonder: even if the partner was the most sensitive you could ever think of, would the other part become satisfied? Constantly satisfied? Would the other part still be irritated, unsatisfied etc.? Because surrogates or symbols can never heal or fill the holes that didn't become filled then!!?? And to demand the impossible of the ones nearest isn't that very unfair both against oneself and the ones standing near?

I don't mean that one shall push everything away that the partner that is perhaps severely harmed comes with? But the ones that are less harmed maybe (and what do we actually know about this either) must have a living space these too! And as much living space - but not more either?? But as much??

In the middle of thinking about all this I came to think about my dad... How much all maybe had to take him and his problems, both past and present, into consideration... The children should understand him!!! "He didn't have it so fun when he grew up you know... So... Be kind. Think of this! You must understand..."

But wasn't he a grown up? And how sensitive was he back? What did he understand? What capacity to live himself in the child's situation, or even any other persons situation around him? Was he made of porcelain? Or was he maybe fairly thick skinned? (yes, he weighed a little too much all his life!! But had no heart problems ever, rather the opposite!!).

And what could the children have been entitled to demand of their parents? That they both (not only mom and not only dad) should take care of themselves personally and for their relation??? And handle it maybe even more as grown up people?? I just wonder...

And mom also had the right to demand care, understand, sensitiveness, kindness etc. etc. etc.?? "Think of mom!" aunt said!!!

But how was actually back? When it came to the children? Were these children seen at all, even if it looked as they were seen extremely much!!?? Did anyone say ever "Think of the children!!!" Yes, maybe mom to dad? On very rare occasions? Maybe once or twice?

And the effects in these children: some are extremely responsible taking and very thinking of others, sensing and sensing what others want, wishes, needs etc.? (but this sensitiveness can definitely also contain insensitiveness!!! of course it has to if one hasn't been allowed to be especially sensitive towards oneself!!). And others have taken the opposite strategy, at least against family members??

To be genuinely sensitive, without being self destructive either, you must have been allowed to keep the sensitiveness you were born with, by being respectfully met from you were born. With genuine respect and nothing superficial!

But this ability is possible to restore some think (Freyd for instance)! But probably with a lot of struggles and maybe with many tears???

The fact that it is such a hard work to restore things and reclaim your life means that all should need to be much more aware and sensitive to the factors that make human beings insensitive and what's harming!!! And everything this sort of disrespect can lead to! And what disrespect actually is! What violations, abuse etc. is! That it isn't just sexual or physical abuse but also emotional... And maybe not least the last, something we all have been exposed to more or less?? Because this is maybe the most denied and thus causes maybe more harm than we believe??

But that grown ups between shall demand extra consideration for her/his damages... I can't really take that... But again, not less either!!!

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