Some morning thoughts…

In a lunch break today (a lot of things on different levels have triggered these thoughts):

In our work plainness (tydlighet in Swedish) is extremely important because the character of our work and how it is organized (for our sake as teachers, but this also functions as a model for how we behave towards our pupils/students etc.)!! Maybe more important than in many other jobs? Now I thought of plainness what concern the organization, an organization that leaves as little room for doubts as possible. Of course no organization will ever be perfect!! But that’s no excuse for trying not to make things even better.

But what I thought about on my way to work this morning was that in dealing with people in my work (parents for instance) informing them about things is important. How I/we work, which our circumstances are etc.

If they don’t understand I have to try to explain for them a little better!? And if they still don’t understand, but persist in something, I can try to be even clearer? But sooner or less if they still persist… Maybe I have to ask what it is about? Yes. If I have tried to be very clear. Is it my fault, that I am not clear enough (which of course can be so!?) or what is it about? Here self-knowledge would be an advantage!!?? Is it me tat doesn’t see something? Or is it the other part that is the problem? Or is it both about me and the other?

This can really be tricky, and make one feel both this and that… Bad, lousy etc.

How is it then on a more private level, with if not partners and family, but with friends concerning these things: Setting limits or maybe seeing that you are stepping over limits too (and realizing what harm you actually do by this!? Big or small? To a powerless, dependent, small or to a person with own power, which isn’t dependent, is grown up even).

Of course there must be rules between people!? You can’t walk on like a bulldozer, and not accuse the part that is reacting for being too sensitive, maybe for being oversensitive!!? Which is also a risk! That one part can do! But that’s not either to take responsibility for yourself…

This about communication – the difficult, tricky thing… Where all involved have responsibilities… To communicate, preferably as soon as possible (which can be difficult if one has been harmed and doesn’t know what boundary-violations are)…

If one sees things here too try to communicate as clearly as possible where your boundaries lies, what you feel, how you react or what it is about… And if you have repeatedly tried to communicate something as clearly as possible, and the other person doesn’t understand, then…

A female physician and Gestalt-therapist said that she has one cock horse (käpphäst in Swedish) and that is not saying how another person is. Not to say:

“You are…”

Where does such a statement lead? To anything? What is the one being labeled supposed to say? Admit?

“Yes, I am! Thank you for saying it! I am so extremely grateful to you, that someone at last told me this! I shall immediately try to change!!”

If I say:

“You are…”

doesn’t any further discussion easily get stuck?? And can’t such a statement also be a projection? And to exemplify more explicitly:

"You feel no remorse!"

What do one answer to that?

"Oh yes, I certainly DO!!!"

Or, after having thought of it

"Yes, you are right!"

Who knows for sure what another person feels or thinks? And how do one prove neither the first nor the latter? And if the other already has decided who and what you are...

Think if the one who is said to be a lousy person gets sad?? What then about remorse from the one saying such things as

"You are..." "You feel..."??

Not being plain what can that be about? You have the power not to be? Are you behaving as the authoritarian, totalitarian parent who didn't have to explain anything once did, or? Just some wonders...

Each person, and all involved, has responsibility for her/himself, shall take it and ought to take it... Does here exist any reconciliation? Between grown ups!? But when it comes to a child (now grown up) and his parent/s... Then it is prescribed! Almost? This doesn't mean I think reconciliation should be prescribed between grown ups either to the left and right... Moralistically.

Moralizing is a question of its own...

Addition: On my way back to work after lunch I came to think about my 20-year old nephew. We had a talk this winter which made me think… And realize things!? Made me see things from another angle?

What a tragedy it would be if he harmed a girl, raped a girl… I don’t think he would do that deliberately (want to believe he wouldn’t?).

Came to think that even if the girl (woman) takes part in these things at first, she can change her mind suddenly in the whole?? Even if they have come very far… Then of course he shall stop what they are doing, respect her wish. With no doubt.

The Finnish author wrote the book Märta Tikkanen“Men cannot be raped” (“Män kan inte våldtas”) already 1973 (or somewhere there)… A book in which a woman tried to take revenge by exposing the man who raped her for a rape himself. So can a man also feel in the middle of such an act that he doesn’t want to go further? I imagine that’s rarer! Maybe I am wrong? And maybe that's not manly to do either - to say no I don't want to go further? Even if he feels so? And I wonder if it is possible to rape a man, sexually at all? But it is possible to rape all human beings emotionally, despite gender or age!

I tried to put myself in my nephews situation: if he didn’t see or sense that the girl/young woman didn’t want to continue but went on with what he was doing… And thus raped the girl/young woman. Or maybe didn't really heard what she said...

Or if he didn’t notice immediately and sensitively that her boarder was reached… But just went a little bit too far, before he stopped, but stopped after a while. Because he has experienced things (not with certainty the worse sexual abuse) and thus is a little bit insensitive, but sensitive enough to understand afterwards what he has done to a certain degree and was capable of feeling regret for it…

Would it be possible for these two to talk about the whole??? But not being forced by any authority or anything, but talk in a protected circumstance where no further abuse could occur? That he got the opportunity to understand what he had done and regret it and ask forgiveness genuinely? A process in which he really understood what abuse is?? But is certainly no prescription either for "what you/one ought to do"!!! And I don't mean to excuse these things either - at all! Not the slightest bit!

Now I am seeing it from the abusers side? Entirely?? no as I wrote, it doesn't mean I excuse this at all!!! It simply shouldn't happen!

But if we harm boys when they grow up the result can be this: that he commit these forms of abuse! Isn’t that awful?? For the boy in question too? And shouldn’t happen?

And the girl is probably also harmed which landed in this situation? Which is no excuse either for doing this to her!

Abuse of this kind (=sexual) can lead to excessive sexual life or no sexual life at all… So another result can be that the early abused person doesn’t have a sexual life at all! Avoid it entirely?

I see other parallels in other situations when people deal with each others, where no sexual intercourse never took place either, but the contact lay on another level... And one went too far (or was thought to have gone too far, despite, still, that no intercourse or such things ever took place). And the other part was too harmed to see it not until very far into the relation... A relation between too harmed people?? Where both were a little blind, and a little insensitive...

Realizing suddenly with a shock "what it was about"?

How would a grown up reaction to this be? Should one let "the abusing" part get an opportunity to explain anything? Or is it even anything to talk about? And when shall one not?

Am I talking in riddles now?

I am trying to understand things... And what shall I understand of this?

Now things I have discussed with a person standing near…

So this is more high thinking:

One parts ability to self-criticism won’t keep a relation going, definitely not in long-term…

If the (early) hurt or injured person takes responsibility for her/his injury or damage others space won’t have to be shrank, even if the damage and injury is big. People who care for each others want to help the best they can, show respect and consideration for each others damages etc. This is not burdening, but if you have to “save” the other person from his/her damage then you get exhausted. That is if the damaged want to flee from his/her damage and want help with this flight rather than taking care about it or doing something with the damage and injury; as trying to meet it, processing it and repairing it the best he/she can. Responsibility is the keyword if there shall be space for other people around the injured, damaged.

If one takes responsibility for ones injury and damage there is space for others around you and their possible injuries and damages too. All can exist with theirs. No one at the expense of any other person. No one that has to shrink his/her living space.

Even small wounds needs treatment. It’s not a question of who is more or less damaged!? Big wounds don’t take small wounds away. Neither if they are sitting on others nor on one and the same person. A wound is a wound. And to “live” on your wounds, taking advantage of them, profit by them, even benefiting on them, to parasitize on others sympathy and empathy – that’s really a flight from the pain itself and the damage, injury – those things that needs attention and processing, the opposite of responsible-taking.

Yes, there is always someone that is more hurt. And even small wounds needs treatment. If they don’t get they can cause more damage. Both for oneself and for others. Damage that wouldn’t be necessary at all.

We have spoken about communication, to give and to take. To narrate/tell and get to hear. But connected to this is the risk you loose the control, and thus the power (or can’t this mean a lot of possibilities too?)? A risk you take/can take: that the other part gets opportunity to talk and give her/his view on the whole!? But this also means that you perhaps are forced to listen and to hear!? Maybe this is too dangerous. In a way one gives the other part power? And maybe one doesn’t want to do that, for everything in the world!?

But of course there are limits for how long you can go here, strive and struggle and try and understand!! Of course you can get used and even exploited!! And that risk is greater if you are already damaged and haven’t got opportunity to process your damages enough… So, no, this ISN’T easy!!! (it is steadily more acknowledged that for instance women who were sexually abused, or abused in other ways as children, are at risk of landing in abusive relations as grown ups too! And the less hurt you have been the smaller is this risk!!! So some can really land in viscous circles, and are on top often stigmatized by the environment and the society, which is horrible isn’t it?).

An industry-man here in Sweden Michael Treschkow spoke on radio (Sommar). I didn’t listen to this programme, but he had said that he was glad Nelson Mandela wasn’t bitter!!! That he didn’t show any such signs!!! Without mentioning that the Swedish trade and industry union (Svenskt näringsliv) “earned a lot of money on the apartheid-regime” a female Swedish journalist said very ironically I felt, as a reply to that SHE was accused for carrying on propaganda for the communism in HER Sommar-programme!

That’s the other side of the coin?? Not being bitter, not behaving like a victim, a poor powerless victim, but “taking yourself in the collar” (as we say here) and show how clever you are despite the worse circumstances: rise from these, in the best case, to success!!! This will be applauded!!! Enormously! And you will become enormously admired!!! Every time you “stand up from your bed and walk away with it” as a Lazarus once did!?? How much you even sacrifice!! Even if the effects come high up in ages!! We are all human beings, even the strongest and cleverest have human limits!!?? Or do we need to believe in something else? Why?

Even in therapy, you have to avoid being a victim. This is worth a separate blogpost, but if you were a victim, of course you still are if you haven’t had or still don’t have opportunity to process it. You are, but you can be responsible-taking at the same time!!?? Jenson has written about this, about the prohibition against victim-feelings, and I think Bosch too.

Is this, to summarize this topic, “contempt for weakness”? That stems from early, I wonder? Many of us have needs for control, power – and strength!!?? And why is that?

To be able to admit to and address damage, the damage, injury has to be acknowledged by the damaged. To seek or search for excuses isn’t to acknowledge. Honestly wanting to acknowledge, even if it certainly is difficult and painful and probably even frightening!? And shouldn’t become minimised, but maybe it’s less scary than we thinks.

Relations between children and their respective parents: everything the parents think is bothersome, which had demanded a little processing from the parents parts/side, for instance “Why am I so afraid for my husband (wife??) when he (she?) gets angry?” could end in a divorce depending on how the man (woman??) reacts on the woman’s (man’s) questioning of his (her) “right” to vomit or belch out his (her) temper or mood on the nearest victim. Everything the parents think is bothersome – which had risked their status quo in life – the children have to take, carry, stand, repair etc.

I think the roots to all these things lies early in life. Which doesn’t mean later experiences doesn’t count… Or should become diminished.

”Myternas historia” av Karen Armstrong…

Kusin visade mig boken ”Myternas historia” av Karen Armstrong (Albert Bonniers förlag), på baksidan står bl.a.:

”Karen Armstrong tar oss med på myternas historia från paleolitiska perioden och till de senaste 500 årens vetenskapliga revolution och dess försök att ogiltigförklara mytens betydelse för våra liv.

Människan behöver både myten och vetenskapen, menar hon och varnar för vår egen tids undanskuffande av den mytiska dimensionen till förmån för renodlat vetenskapligt tänkande: Armstrong ser tragedin den 11 september som en direkt följd av att människan inte längre känner sig länkad till en större helhet genom myten. Som en utväg ser hon överraskande nog litteraturen: vår tids myter. Vår tids bearbetning av kollektiva trauman och meningsskapande berättelser, skapas inte längre av religionen utan av litteratur och konst…”

En annan vinkling än John Bergers (se tidigare blogginlägg)?! Om historia/livshistorier och berätta den/få berätta den, att det inte hindras.

Litteraturen – att berätta historier, sin egen och andras, och sin egen genom andra figurer??

Detta satte igång saker hos mig. Om vad som nu sker i samhället känns det – en backlash. Komplexa sammanhang och samband görs förenklade, eller försöker man förenkla?? Mer eller mindre medvetet.

Ville gärna ha denna notering kvar och eventuellt komma tillbaka till den och utveckla den.

Thoughts a summer’s day…

At last some summer warmth. Am going to try to sit out and write…

I have had some email-exchanges with a friend and this has made me think on a lot of topics. One is the issue “information”.

Not informing is a power tool Berit Ås has said (already many years ago, it can even be 20 years ago I think!!). You can withhold information, both consciously and unconsciously or both/and.

In a Gestalt-group I joined almost ten years ago, there were many bosses or former bosses (and almost all were younger than I strikes me now), one who had been a fairly high boss in a well-known company here. His strategy, consciously, was not steering his staff/the employees under him, by telling them where he stood, what he thought, afraid of stifling their creativity if I remember right and interpreted him right. He kept secret about all this.

He went into the wall. Suddenly felt he had no feelings, no senses, he couldn’t perceive the environment. I think he thought this was fairly scary. And he left his job; got a leaving compensation (avgångvederlag in Swedish), he could live well on for a period (I don’t know or remember how long). Sought counselling, bought a dog… Joined this Gestalt therapy group (four weekends during almost half a year).

And he had got problems in the relation with the man he lived with too… Doubting his whole life? Questioning it? Yes, he had just passed 40 (was 43 then?)!! A 40-year crisis?? Already grey-haired… (a side-track: dad got a crisis when he was 44 and actually he thought it was a 40-years crisis, and that he even had these thoughts and expressed them was VERY unusual, that he confided his inner thoughts and feelings in that way. He got problems with swallowing food or something then, or felt he couldn’t breathe?? I was then 10 years, and got problems me too, similar. Mom wanted to photograph me and dad beside each others, but I didn’t want to be photographed with him, but obeyed. These photos are still left somewhere. I was taken to a psychologist, who tested my IQ, that’s how they handled such things then!!?? The answers to my problems were that I understood too much. “Damn that!!??” Did the child think so? I have weak memories of this test, of one was a cube built on smaller cubes and I should estimate how many cubes this cubes contained. I think I managed it).

On a session the therapist was struck by the thought/feeling that if you aren’t plain or clear (tydlig in Swedish) people don’t know what to react on. So this can be a protection; not to be clear with ones “purposes” (and that you don’t have any purposes either perhaps?)… You protect yourself against reactions, questions from the surrounding.

But this boss didn’t only make himself invisible to the people under him but also to himself!!?? And he was the oldest child of four (four brothers I think. I don’t think he had any sisters?? His father was very strict and demanding, a fairly high boss e too, and his mother very weak and unsure of herself and submissive if I remember right).

Is it the same with information: if you don’t inform as clearly as you can or work on your information people don’t know what they shall react against or on?? And maybe one doesn’t want them to either!!?? More or less consciously? You don’t want reactions, people getting the opportunity to question etc.? But a side-effect might be that the disappointment comes later and very strongly!!?? So you have to deal with it anyway, you just push things into the future? And the confidence and trust in you becomes lower? (maybe this also is a reflection of your own insecurity, both on yourself and in what you want to achieve?? The more insecure the more you are holding things for yourself and maybe also behave authoritative and even authoritarian?? To hide things?)

And I also came to think that small things can be collected in a heap; if you resonate in terms of “what is this to noise about (minimizing things??)” things can really grow to a volcanic eruption!!?? And thus really cause harm, irreparable. As the friend wrote: “small wounds has to be taken seriously too!!!”

This blogpost was triggered more by work-things than by personal things and relations. I thought when I started writing, but now I don’t know… This is true for other relations and circumstances than only work- too, and for me too!!?? The difficulty of communicating!!??

I wonder what is lying in the bottom of my thoughts and reactions and concerns about this issue/matter… I have my thoughts…

To really cooperate, and risk control and power by really starting to communicate (this parents also uses?? Strikes me now. So it starts already at this level?)?? The topic I have discussed with the friend above came to be the topic power and control.

Yes, communication can be scary too!!?? That to “keep conversation alive”!!??

And it is probably understandable why…

But the effects can be destructive and/or self destructive??? And that’s not good. Especially the more power you have; if you are a boss with power over others working-life an working-conditions, if you are a high leader in society, a parent towards a child, a teacher towards a pupil/student or any other relation where you are an authority of any kind!!?? Just some thoughts a nice summer’s day…

About Berit Ås: in English (Wikipedia).
In Swedish, here and here and here.

Addition July 24: I read on a site about symptom-fixing, addiction in doctors and experts and gurus and their treatment… (I dropped the link to the site, is in an email, but nmow I have ligged out from my email-box). Apropos treatment of addictions. Replacing one addiction with another... I can well understand if people do... So this you shall not moralize about!?? But do the helpers need to be a sort of... how shall I express this? The stronger? The upper? This I can be much more ironical about??

The photos taken yesterday, in Hälsingland. Today it's Norrbotten next; a tour on 850 km. By car. I am driving on my own...

More about feeling(s)...

Came to think before I went to bed yesterday after having written and published the last blogpost:

"Emotional" is "irrational"? Feelings are nothing to trust, but intellect and intelligence on the other hand are? The decisions that are taken “rationally”, by the rational person, are right and the better and more/the trustworthy?

As the doctor Christina Doctare wrote in her book “Brain stress” (“Hjärnstress” in Swedish) that came in the beginning of this millennium: the leaders of the future need both IQ and EQ and jolly good/proper broad bands between those!!

And it is as Pippi Longstocking said; that someone which is very strong (physically and who has power) has to be very kind (the more power he/she has)??

How was it with giving children a voice, and listening to that voice too? And allowing all to have a voice? What are we silencing and are there things that aren’t silenced?

To say “I feel…” can scare many?? If you are holding it on an intellectual level however, than it is less scary for some? I am now also thinking of an organisational level, even a work place where you work with feelings, like in music… But this is true for other levels too? Even on political levels?

But we need different voices!? We need different views on things? If we can share them respectfully?

Feelings, emotions are weakness?? And there IS contempt for weakness here and there?? Not being so (too??) emotional is strength?

By the way, we need politicians with visions for our society… But they are threatening to some, which understands that if people started to speak up they would loose their power?? If people really started to articulate things? What they have to come with would be unveiled?? Is it the Emperors New Cloths??

I am thinking of economists ideas… Which I react on emotionally, very emotionally… And can’t really understand… Because all human beings that are born to this world shouldn’t they live decently?? Everyone of us shouldn’t we??

Where does evilness come from? And how do we handle the evilness that exists in this world?? If you start to philosophize…

You can at least start with yourself??

Feelings and emotions and the trustworthiness of them…

Addition: Had got an email from a friend with a link to this site: “Alert: Say 'no' to New York State forced electroshock.”

Politicians here, Christ Democrats in fact, want to force people to psychiatric treatment (how goes this together with God??? Is this love??). Hypocritical! A. had written about this in ”Tvång - ett kristet eller demokratiskt redskap?” (it would be something like ”Force*) – a Christian or Democratic Tool?”)

*) or coercion?

Thinking of what I wrote above: comes something authoritarian in here?? You have to resort to authoritarianism?? A word that comes for me: moralism (to moralize).

Yes, there has come a neo-moralism in society? If so, that’s horrible!! Just horrible!

After having painted for three hours almost and eaten lunch (working with practical things is excellent for thinking!! Phew!): I am after something, I don’t know really what yet.

Again: the decisions that are taken (on all levels) are rational? No disturbing, unreliable feelings or emotions!?? But if you deny this than it can be really dangerous??

And comes empathy in here too? For me empathy here sounds as having pity with people, and thus putting yourself above??

Now a tour to the town to buy some groceries, painting oil and paint for ground-painting… I wonder if I have done this too properly??!! But you really need training to do this so it looks professionally??

I have taken more photos, so I will probably publish them on the blog too… So one can see some of the results! :-) (do I dare that??). With my professional cell-phone camera (mobiltelefonkamnera in Swedish), observe the self-irony, and the professional photographer I am, hmmm... But that's not what I am after when I take photos or publish them... I just want to give impressions... Yes, want to communicate?? Including document things for myself.

By the way, today it's the birthday of Käbi Laretei (85), Ingmar Bergman (89), our crown-princess Victoria (30), a friend of mine (52?) and a colleague (organist, 64)...

Overly responsible taking...

Struck me, when when I took a shower and washed my hair (doing things seem to stimulate my thinking!! :-)), about making people feel comfortable...

That nobody shall feel excluded...

Women (generally) tend to take responsibility for the atmosphere, for instance at work places. And stress researchers mean this can be one (of many) explanations why women have been exhausted the last ten years during and after the steal bath in economy.

The pressure has been heavier on those women that tend to take a lot of responsibility in slimmed organizations where more people are tired or exhausted and easier gets outbursts... For those who take responsibility for the atmosphere at the work place too or even too much to carry. Why more women have been on sick list the last 10-15 years... (when we also have had more lousy bosses?).

With this not said that this can't cause problems and irritations for the ones around such a woman/person!!?? But the one that suffers most of this is after all the one that takes more responsibility on her/him than is hers/his!!??

And from where does this stem??? Being forced to take much more responsibility than the ever so clever child ever can take or should take?? And which never was her/his duty at all!!!
Maybe signs of early tragic circumstances???

Fast and spontaneously written as almost always with all what that mean!!

PS. Read something in this style:

"…responsible for looking after others feelings, which one shouldn't have needed to. Still finding oneself doing that, even now, today, an extremely hard habit to break, and does it come of being a loving gentle (???) child, who had to look after everyone else’s needs except ones own?"

Making oneself invisible, no-needy and instilling guilt in all around?? Or, the opposite, refusing to take responsibility for what you should take responsibility for??

Slow Dance...

"SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down. Don't dance so fast.

Time is short. The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.
The music won't last.

Never told your child, We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.
The music won't last.

You miss half the fun of
getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower

Hear the music
Before the song is over."

A poem written by a young girl in New York, with cancer... Got this by email from my youngest sister just now.

Addition: Photo from my bike tour now in the evening. It is fairly dark... For being summer.

Made sick by silence/gjord sjuk av tystnad...

Kirkengen writes in the chapter "Conclusions and implications" at pages 390 and forward in her book "Inscribed bodies..." (see earlier blog posts about her and her books and what she has written, but these books contains almost 700 pages of text, so there is a lot of material there):

"...biomedicine is ignorant as to how life is inscribed into human lived bodies, and how lived bodies are inscribed in the social politics of silencing.

Violated humans are made sick by the silence and are sacrificed to the silence about overwhelmingly male sexual violence, which societies still resist becoming knowledgeable of and reflect upon. Both psychiatric and somatic medicine take part in the silencing, 'the sickness', the sacrifice and thus, the violence. [this is hard words, but true I think! Even psychiatry contribute to silencing I think, all too often, even fairly often or even very often?]. In outlining the implications of these finding, I shall argue that not only sexual violation or any other violation of personal integrity, has potentially pathogenic impact, but also any structural humiliation of human integrity."

Kirkengen refers to the Hebrew University philosopher Avishai Margalit, and writes for instance, about what he say and mean:

"He finds it more fruitful to construct a negative argument, based on the fact that human beings share the morally relevant characteristic of being 'something which can be humiliated'. This negative argumentation, he states, far surpasses in usefulness all of the positive ones /.../ According to Margalit, human beings no longer have Truth, God, Wisdom, Language, or the Law of Nature or History in common. Paradoxically, however, they do all share the ability to be humiliated.

A decent society is reflected, according to Margalit, in the way its institutions meet the most vulnerable of its members - or its non-members. Any measures which marginalize people stigmatize them. And a stigma is the public sign of deviation from the norm, be it the norm of honor, mores, gender, race, faith or function.

Regarding the concepts of honor, self-respect and self-esteem, Margalit writes: 'A humiliating society is one whose institutions cause people to compromise their integrity,' and, 'a decent society is one whose institutions do not violate the dignity of the people in its orbit.

My study provides evidence that structural humiliation of human dignity occurs within medicine [and in psychiatry and therapy too, because what clients have to come with too often becomes belittled and diminished, and analyzed and intellectualized and put a label or diagnose on, instead of being solved/dissolved. Kirkengen writes more about the power of narrative, and if these narratives are met with distrust, what this can lead to instead. I will write a separate blog post about that. And this occurs both in somatic medicine and psychiatry I think]. Whenever people deviate from the norm of biomedicine they become marginalized /.../ if their symptoms do not respond to presumably appropriate measures; if their health does not improve as fast as expected; and finally, whenever they return with the same presenting problem despite that, according to standard medical practice, it ought to have been solved.

These scenarios all lead to medical marginalization, regardless of their origin. It is known, however, that social stigma and shameful, silenced experiences cause health problems but, at the same time cannot be communicated frankly and explicitly /.../ In other words: socio-culturally originating suffering and bad health are not only misunderstood in medical contexts; they will also most probably be aggravated by being responded to with 'more of the same', so to speak /.../

Consequently there is a path from silenced humiliation in private to legitimized humiliation in public. There is a link between the private experience of being made to feel worthless [originating in childhood] - through domestic abuse [physical, sexual and emotional abuse and violation], subordination, exploitation, neglect or deprivation [in grown ups too, which reeanct what they endured during childhood; if their self-esteem was damaged they won't be able to protect themselves adequately and maybe also behaves self-destructively, if they don't act it out on others in destructive behaviors], and the public doom of being unworthy to receive help - through correct medical and legal objectification."

Also see what the ACE-study has found about adverse childhood experiences and their impact on health (so these experiences doesn't only or even always cause psychic problems, but also what we usually mean are somatic troubles, and in many cases both, even among those we deem as "socially respected"; the ACE-study is performed on middle-class Americans, which can afford health insurances, thus aren't the ones in the absolute bottom of the society!!).

A translation to Swedish will probably follow. And see again "Miller on the Wall of Silence"!!?? The blog post about this...

-//-

Nu kommer översättning av detta blogginlägg:

Kirkengen skriver i kapitlet "Conclusions and implications" på sidorna 390 och framåt i sin bok "Inscribed bodies..." (se tidigare blogginlägg om henne och hennes böcker, som sammanlagt består av nästan 700 sidor text inklusive fotnoter som också är värda att läsa).

”… biomedicin ignorerar hur liv skrivs in i mänskliga levda kroppar och hur levda kroppar är inskrivna av den sociala policyn nedtystande.

Kränkta människor har blivit gjorda sjuka av tystnaden/tigandet och är offrade till tystnaden/tigandet om överväldigande manligt sexuellt våld, vilket samhället fortfarande motstår att bli vetande om [dvs. kort och gott vill man inte veta om det] och reflekterande över. Både psykiatri och somatisk medicin deltar i detta (ned)tystande, ’sjukdomen’, offrandet och sålunda våldet. Genom att skissera innebörderna av dessa fynd, ska jag argumentera inte bara över vad sexuellt våld eller varför vilken annan kränkning av personlig integritet har potentiellt skadande effekter, utan också varför varje strukturellt förödmjukande av mänsklig integritet ar det [Kirkengen skriver om reviktimisering av människor i somatisk medicin och psykiatri, dvs. klienter som blir kränkta igen och på samma sätt som de e gång blev, vilket lett till deras sjuklighet. Bara för att man inte vill veta om de grundläggande och underliggande orsakerna, inte frågar efter dem, inte ’vågar’ (??) fråga efter dem].”

Kirkengen refererar till den hebreiska filosofen Avisha Margalit:

”Han finner det mer fruktbart att konstruera ett negativt argument, baserat på fakta att mänskliga varelser delar den moraliskt relevanta karaktäristiken att vara ’någonting som kan bli förödmjukat’. Denna negativa argumentation menar han vida överträffar/-stiger alla de positiva i användbarhet /…/ Enligt Margalit så har mänskliga varelser inte längre sanning, Gud, visdom, språk eller naturens och historiens lagar gemensamt. Paradoxalt dock, delar de alla förmågan att bli förödmjukade.

Ett anständigt samhälle reflekteras, enligt Margalit, i sättet dess institutioner möter dess mes sårbara av dess medlemmar - eller dess ickemedlemmar.. Alla åtgärder som marginaliserar människor stigmatiserar dem [bland annat genom viss sorts diagnosticerande inom både somatisk medicin och psykiatri, vilket hon också skriver om, t.ex. skriver hon om begreppet ’somatiserare’ ganska omfångsrikt. Och läkare som ’vårdslöst’ pratar om framhärdande/envisa somatiserare, men man hör inget motsvarande om ’framhärdande/envisa negligerare’ (liksom underförstått ’Ah du vet; det är något psykiskt!’ utan att ens någonsin ha frågat patienten om hur den har det eller har haft det) om läkare som vidtar den ena meningslösa åtgärden efter den andra som inte leder till någon som helst förbättring hos klienten]. Och ett stigma är det offentliga tecknet på avvikande från normen gällande heder, ?, kön, ras, tro eller funktion.

Avseende konceptet heder, självrespekt och självförtroende, skriver Margalit: ’Ett fördmjukande samhälle är ett samhälle vars institutioner får människor att kompromissa med sin integritet, ett anständigt samhälle är ett vars institutioner inte kränker värdigheten hos människor som befinner sig i dess omlopp.’"

Min studie förser oss med bevis att strukturell förödmjukelse av mänskligintegritet uppträder i medicin [och i psykiatri och terapi också]. När än människor avviker från normen i biomedicinen blir de marginaliserade /…/ om deras symptom inte svarar mot de åtgärder som antas vara ändamålsenliga; om deras hälsa inte förbättras så snabbt som förväntat; och slutligen, när de än återkommer och presentera samma problem trots detta, enligt standard medicinsk praktik, borde det ha lösts.

Dessa scenarier leder alla till medicinsk marginalisering, oberoende av dess ursprung. Det är dock känt att socialt stigma och skamfyllda, tystade erfarenheter/upplevelser orsakar hälsoproblem men, på samma gång, inte kan kommuniceras frankt och uttryckligen /…/ Med andra ord: lidande som har sociokulturellt ursprung och dålig hälsa är inte bara missförstått i medicinska sammanhang; de kommer också högst troligt att bli förvärrade genom att bli svarade med ’mer av samma’ så att säga /…/

Följaktligen finns det en väg från tysta förödmjukande i det privata till legitimerad förödmjukelse i det offentliga. Det finns en länk mellan den privata upplevelsen att ha fåtts att känna sig värdelös [vars yttersta ursprung finns tidigt troligen] – genom familjevåld [fysiskt, sexuellt, emotionellt], underordnande, utnyttjande, negligering eller deprivation och den offentliga domen att vara inte värd att erhålla hjälp – genom korrekt medicinsk och legal objektivisering.”

Se också vad ACE-studien säger om skadliga barndomserfarenheter och dess inverkan på framtida hälsa. Dvs. dylika erfarenheter leder inte bara till psykisk sjukdom eller problem utan kan leda till somatisk ohälsa. Och i värsta fallen av övergrepp och misshandel till kriminalitet av den värsta sorten (Pincus).

Se också tidigare blogginlägg om tystnadens mur.

More reflections...

Thought further on a word in the former blog post. Namely control. The need for control. I was about to go into the shower, but went back to the computer (and in the middle my cell phone rang: my new portable computer comes tomorrow!! Earlier than thought and expected!).

Some have an enormous need to control others, and they seek jobs as bosses so they can control others and the activity/business on a work place, maybe have a need to control it entirely? And the need for control can take a lot of other expressions, some more harmful and others less or even not so harmful to others, but more for the person with the control needs?

Took a break in writing for a shower and fixing up (soon midsummer) and some lunch. Thought further on even more themes... :-) The issue control lost all interest in my mind!! :-) I came to think about quite other things (or connected??).

About differences in relations when a child/children are involved and relations where only grown ups are involve.

A side track: I wrote a spontaneous email to Owe Wikström when I wrote the first blog post and got a reply from him almost immediately - short!! Without linking my blog or blog post though...

Doing practical things you have excellent opportunities to think about both this and that... When I have worked with gardening, sewing, water color painting, fixing up, doing the dishes etc. my brain works hard...

About working fast, struck me about my oldest nephew Daniel, 20, when he should help me to burn CD-records with photos on this computer: it went so fast that we didn't have time to chose what pictures we should burn! We just took the folders I had done on my USB-memory... And there was no time to check if the photos I had thought of actually was burnt... So maybe there are people that are even faster than I am!!! :-)

I thought about mind reading, communication, being sensitive or not, understanding or not when I worked here... Can one expect that grown ups between shall mind read each others? Of course insensitiveness can exists and exists!? Both parts have a "duty" to communicate their feelings, needs, wishes?? With this not said this is easy!! Sometimes even difficult??

A grown up doesn't have to find her/himself, but a child has, is forced, has no options... This doesn't mean a grown up can't feel trapped, forced. without options?? But usually, even if it is impossible to see or realize, a grown up in fact have options!? Jenson and Bosch mean that these feelings actually doesn't have so much with the present than we feel. When we feel something very strong it often is feelings from the past which are triggered. The strength of the feelings are or can be a sign of that.

Do we as grown ups need mind reading of other grown ups? What sort of understand and sensitiveness do we need, are we entitled to demand? Be seen, listened to, understood etc.?

Grown ups can usually demand all these things more than a child?? A child just can't walk away, a grown up usually can, or should be able if she/he isn't too severely harmed!?

Grown ups between: could demand mutual respect? Both have as much responsibility to communicate, to take things into consideration, and if it is about mind reading demand the same portion of mind reading or maybe one should call it sensitiveness?

But damages are no real excuses!!?? For taking more space - but not less either!!!! But as much space as the other part??

And whose responsibility that the other part works on his/hers?

I just through out a lot of thoughts...

If one demand a lot of sensitiveness, the other part must/should be allowed a similar sensitiveness back!!??? But this is no technical thing where you start to weigh or measure!!??? But is a question of communication... Not easy, no??? Sometimes even very difficult, meybe even extremely difficult?? And sometimes even impossible to solve??

And I came to wonder: even if the partner was the most sensitive you could ever think of, would the other part become satisfied? Constantly satisfied? Would the other part still be irritated, unsatisfied etc.? Because surrogates or symbols can never heal or fill the holes that didn't become filled then!!?? And to demand the impossible of the ones nearest isn't that very unfair both against oneself and the ones standing near?

I don't mean that one shall push everything away that the partner that is perhaps severely harmed comes with? But the ones that are less harmed maybe (and what do we actually know about this either) must have a living space these too! And as much living space - but not more either?? But as much??

In the middle of thinking about all this I came to think about my dad... How much all maybe had to take him and his problems, both past and present, into consideration... The children should understand him!!! "He didn't have it so fun when he grew up you know... So... Be kind. Think of this! You must understand..."

But wasn't he a grown up? And how sensitive was he back? What did he understand? What capacity to live himself in the child's situation, or even any other persons situation around him? Was he made of porcelain? Or was he maybe fairly thick skinned? (yes, he weighed a little too much all his life!! But had no heart problems ever, rather the opposite!!).

And what could the children have been entitled to demand of their parents? That they both (not only mom and not only dad) should take care of themselves personally and for their relation??? And handle it maybe even more as grown up people?? I just wonder...

And mom also had the right to demand care, understand, sensitiveness, kindness etc. etc. etc.?? "Think of mom!" aunt said!!!

But how was actually back? When it came to the children? Were these children seen at all, even if it looked as they were seen extremely much!!?? Did anyone say ever "Think of the children!!!" Yes, maybe mom to dad? On very rare occasions? Maybe once or twice?

And the effects in these children: some are extremely responsible taking and very thinking of others, sensing and sensing what others want, wishes, needs etc.? (but this sensitiveness can definitely also contain insensitiveness!!! of course it has to if one hasn't been allowed to be especially sensitive towards oneself!!). And others have taken the opposite strategy, at least against family members??

To be genuinely sensitive, without being self destructive either, you must have been allowed to keep the sensitiveness you were born with, by being respectfully met from you were born. With genuine respect and nothing superficial!

But this ability is possible to restore some think (Freyd for instance)! But probably with a lot of struggles and maybe with many tears???

The fact that it is such a hard work to restore things and reclaim your life means that all should need to be much more aware and sensitive to the factors that make human beings insensitive and what's harming!!! And everything this sort of disrespect can lead to! And what disrespect actually is! What violations, abuse etc. is! That it isn't just sexual or physical abuse but also emotional... And maybe not least the last, something we all have been exposed to more or less?? Because this is maybe the most denied and thus causes maybe more harm than we believe??

But that grown ups between shall demand extra consideration for her/his damages... I can't really take that... But again, not less either!!!

Ytterligare stilla morgonbetraktelse/another silent morning contemplation...

Om människor får artikulera sig så löses spänningar och tvång i kroppen upp. Och göra det i "säkert" sammanhang, dvs. med någon som inte moraliserar, utan faktiskt vet vad det handlar om och inte känner sig tvungen att hindra eller begränsa... Och jag är inte säker på att det alltid bäst sker hos dem som egentligen borde vara bäst på detta!!!

Om de skadade/hjälpsökande får ifrågasätta och betrakta som fel och skadligt och faktiskt orättvist... Om de kan komma förbi självklander och skuld... Först då kan saker verkligen lösas upp?? Inte förr? Fast det är klart, man måste ju själv vilja ta itu... Ingen kan "få" någon annan att göra det...

Jag har fler blogginlägg som jag vill skriva; citera mer ur Freyd i kapitlet "Creating Connections - Long-Lasting Damage" och ur neurologen Jonathan Pincus' bok "Base Instinct - What Makes Killers Kill?" ISBN 0393-32323-4 kapitlet "Hitler and Hatred".

Och så pratade de i "Gomorron Sverige" nu på SVT nu på morgonen om barnarbete i värden, att barn är utslitna kroppsligen redan innan de når vuxenåldern. Och att barnarbete inte bara existerar i den fattiga världen, utan också bland annat i USA... De intervjuade en LO-kvinna om detta. Som menar att anledningen att detta också kan ske i rika länder beror på att de har en svag fackföreningsrörelse i dessa länder.

Jag utvecklar detta nedan på engelska tror jag...

-//-

If people get the opportunity to articulate things safely, with someone that doesn't moralize, but knows deeply and from own experiences what it is about, then tensions and compulsions slowly gets dissolved...

If they are given the opportunity and permission to question and look at and consider as wrong and injurious and in fact unfair what they have been through... If they can go beyond self-blame and guilt... If not they are stuck, more or less, depending on the degree to which they are or have been allowed to express themselves, stuck in compulsions for instance.

But people usually don't do this "naturally" or voluntarily, because usually they are very and extremely loyal to parents... They must be explicitly asked, and this for instance Kirkengen has written about.

[addition at 12.17: found this Readers' mail at Millers web "Ferenczi's prison" about staying in the brain, intellectualizing].

But of course you yourself must do the work, want to do it... And noone can "get" another to start doing it... On the other hand we as adults have responsibility for what we do and say... We can't use excuses that we were abused or damaged early...

And we can try to talk about things, communicate, to maybe see beyond misinterpretations and misunderstandings. Probably not always the easiest thing however, but... And of course, sometimes we have to realize when there is no idea to go on trying to achieve something that isn't possible to achieve... And maybe with this confront ourselves with a pain we have tried to push away, probably not consciously.

The stronger urges and feelings the more it is probably about something past!? And it's a risk that these strong feelings are leading us wrong, maybe creating troubles and problems... But this isn't easy or simple!!! Because strong feelings and reactions can perhaps also be necessary for changes...

You do mistakes, and have to take these too? You do painful mistakes and have to realize this? Or you have difficulties to realize them, because both the present and the past is so painful, and then you easily get stuck!? In maybe an entire reenaction of past events and relations... And maybe you have to do many such mistakes before you can confront yourself with some sort of a truth??

Yes, there lies a lot in Millers thought that the fourth commandment rules the world, and still does, even among those that aren't Christians...

I have a couple of blog posts I would like to write; quoting more from Freyd, the chapter "Creating Connections - Long-lasting Damage" and from the neurologist Jonathan Pincus book "Base Instinct - What Makes Killers Kill" (ISBN see above) the chapter "Hitler and Hatred".

On the morning news this morning they talked about child work and child workers. That many children are worn our already before they reach adult life. And that this phenomenon isn't something special for the poor or third world, but also exists in rich countries such as for instance US. They thought this is due to the fact that in these rich countries the trade union is weak, and has much less power...

And the trade unions are getting weaker in other countries too, slowly... Why is that? What mechanisms behind? How are people still raised in this world? When so many believe in this view on man and the world?

And how come it seems as it is so easy to manipulate people, not only with political ideas... See also commercials and the science behind this... To brainwash people... There have been discussions on blogs about this topic; how some political ideas have been spread very persistently in the whole western world, if not maybe the whole world, by people with a lot of money and resources. And again, in psycho history they talk about psycho classes (categorizing and labeling :-)) and they mean that the more backward psycho classes have greater needs of power (and see what Miller has written about the need for power, and what expressions it takes and how it is allowed to be expressed: women have exercised power against their own children in lack of something else to exercise it on. Others also mean that the healthier and sounder a human being is the less he/she need power*)... I wonder; the ones that are spreading these ideas what is driving them? And why is the rest of the population so easily manipulated to believe in this. But, true, many also dare to raise their voices and question the state of affairs, but...

People are afraid of speaking up, but see this; "Freedom of Speech" for instance.

To what degree would this manipulation be possible if peoples ability to see and hear etc. wasn't damaged? Freyd writes about this; how abused people view the world (and the results on their capacity of protecting themselves adequately and properly)... Kirkengen too, but from another angle; how eyes and ears can fool... How seeing and hearing can get distorted even if there is no faults on the eyes or the ears!!

How do we view/look upon human beings? As creatures, things? Just to use and then throw away? And why?

I would also want to write about victimization of people in medicine and psychiatry... How people aren't helped, are even more damaged, and can't change their lives radically... But maybe gets stuck even more in destructive relations, circumstances... Because they aren't allowed to see through or question... Are looking up on authorities... (This written with anger).

How many haven't wasted a lot of time on meaningless consultations and help of all kinds? Causing a lot more; in health, in relations, in social life etc. Unable to constructively handle their lives, because problems have in fact been added!!?? And the most harmed risk getting even more stuck... The less can quit bad circumstances faster and more easily!? The more harmed are at risk of drawing even more harm on them and are at risk of being drawn to worse helpers? If they don't have an enormous luck to encounter the "right person" from the beginning or already early in real life!

Yes, something happened that made me think... Sleeping badly... Awoke with head ache...

I had planned to wash the curtains and windows, but I don't feel for it right now really... Not for going out on a bike trip either... It's really hot despite the thunder yesterday when I went to bed.

Morgonbetraktelse/morning contemplation...

I ledare idag i DD skriver författaren Henning Mankell om chef på lokalteater... Personalen här har under lång tid varit missnöjd med sin chef, vilket inte är någon hemlighet som Mankell skriver... Vid minst ett tillfälle har skådespelarrepresentanter uppvaktat styrelsen om problemen utan att få någon respons.

Mankell skriver att han också tycker att det är utomordentligt märkligt att en chef så ogenerat biter sig fast trots allt motstånd.

Ja, det här med chefer... Tänker även på min egen arbetsplats...

I båda dessa fall handlar det om kvinnliga chefer. Man tror att de ska vara annorlunda? Men kan de ibland vara ännu tuffare än män? Också? Och rent allmänt vad för sorts chefer har vi idag? Jag låter det vara osagt om de var bättre förr...

Arebetslivet och samhället är så radikalt annorlunda än hur det var för bara 20 - 30 år sedan??

Men motiverar det hur det är idag?

Bara en stilla undran så här på morgonkvisten...

Och blogginlägget om ACE-studien som fortfarande i högsta grad bara var ett utkast blev tydligen postat igårkväll... :-)

-//-

In a leader this morning about the boss, female, of a local theater here, the author Henning Mankell, which once started this theater, give voice to his opinions. His wife is by the way Eva Bergman, daughter to Ingmar Bergman and also director (and maybe also leader of a theater, in Gothenburg?). And Mankell himself has a theater in Africa, Mozambique... I think. So he has experience of this. So his glasses are colored. But on the other side he didn't stand on the boss' side.

The staff has reacted strongly against this boss for many years. But the boss rivet herself firmly to her position, which Mankell can't understand.

I came to wonder silently about bosses in general, and bosses in particular... Are female bosses better? Or different? Can they even be tougher than male sometimes? And more generally; what sort of bosses do we have today? But were they better earlier? I don't know. Work life and the whole society and world is different from how it was only 20 -30 years ago?? But everything hasn't turned for the better I think... But is this motivation for how it is today? I just wonder... And question it.

People are played out against each others... Fooled to compete with each others, instead of cooperating... I think.

But I think that even today people are dependent on other people and should cooperate and support each others, and work together... Even today, yes. Or not least today. In this extremely complex world?? Is this very naive? Maybe extremely naive!?

What is life for? Why are we living on this earth? Is life only about working and making a big career? These questions aren't unnatural for Scandinavians to ask. :-) Even though we are seen as hard working I think... And very responsible taking?

Have read the first part of Michelle Paver's book "Wolf Brother - Chronicles of Ancient Darkness" (in Swedish!!) which is about stone age people... And supernatural things, really (very much). Actually a book for young people... Relaxing for a grown up to read (I read all sorts of books really!). Gives maybe some sort of a picture of this time... A little at least?! But it is a fantasy book?

There is much underline in this blog post... A lot of hot feelings under the surface... As the creatively (??) working I am. Reacting strongly, very strongly!? Hmmm...

And the blog post about the ACE-study was actually a not finished draft!!! I blame the computer for this, old and very warm yesterday evening when I sat here sweating and writing!! I wasn't even aware of this until I now saw it in the morning!!

I cooled myself down (needed!?) with going out on the balcony the last hour before bedtime to finish the book above!! :-) It was really wonderful out there!

My not yet fixed up balcony at 21.05 yesterday evening.

Michelle Pavers web-site. About the Clan - Torak info.
Svenska sidan om Vargbröder/the Swedish site about Wolf brothers (worth a visit even from English speaking people!). Found the last link in the third book and the others on this site.

Inget är heligt/nothing is holy...

Nej, inget är heligt!! Man måste göra allt för att synas!! Precis som Anja skrev idag! (Klicka på original post).

Och miljön, ja... Redan Benjamin Hoff skrev om detta i "Tao enligt Puh"!! Om vad "Tiger "åstadkommer i världen...

-//-

No, nothing is holy! One has to do all one can to be seen!! Just as Anja wrote today!!

And the pollution of the environment, yes... Benjamin Hoff wrote about this already in the book "The Tao of Pooh", about what Tiger-people cause in the world...

And this book came already 1982!!??

See also Bob Scharf's "Reality-TV"... Another view on this topic!? I think...

You really have to scream to be heard, or? See Bob's comment on this topic... The results of not being heard... Not really having a voice...

Cykeltur/ bike ride...

Tillbaka från en cykeltur. Redan väldigt varmt ute. Ännu en varm dag. I affären, vilken jag tog en sväng förbi för att posta tre CD:ar med kort till två systrar och en morbror, ringde min yngste bror.

Han hade kollat upp tekniska data på datorn jag köpt och trodde inte jag betalat ett överpris - vad skönt! Jag köpte den utifrån beskrivningen på Dells hemsida, efter vad jag vill använda den till...

Nu sommarlunch här! Med jordgubbar till efterrätt... Ja, det är verkligen ganska varmt!! Både för mig och datorn!!

-//-

Now back from a bike ride. Took the way by the supermarket, sending the CDs with photos to two sisters and an uncle... My youngest brother phoned me in the store.

He had checked the technical data on the computer I have bought and compared with the one in his brochure... He didn't think I had given too much for it!! He thought it was a lot of "extras" in the one I had bought. Thank god! I chose one that sounded what I would like to have my computer for...

Now a summer lunch, with strawberries after...

Out on my tour I met a couple, actually also working with music (and actually two Hagegårds)… They were on their way to town and I was cycling out from it… I cycled further a bit and then turned back home. After a while I had caught them up and had to say some words… I didn’t feel in the mood really for being social, a bit shy…

Yes, I guess I have a fairly good state physically (with a sigh, I’m so extremely clever!!)… For my age… My soon 48 year old brother (the youngest of two) was tested by the health care at his work recently… He had a very good state. No wonder our ancestors got so old… Is there something genetically after all? But it doesn’t matter with good genes if you behave destructively I guess… So this is no insurance…

And I asked this couple about their two oldest children… One of them had studied at Ultuna, the agricultural college in Uppsala… “Oh,” I said, “I grew up in an agronomist-family!!” Yes… Six siblings… Fairly highly educated… We are very clever, with a sigh and a bit ironically…

I work with music, the ones that come after me are educated agronomists, the fourth is engineer (college), the fifth occupational therapist, the sixth and youngest is graduated from school of social studies…

Anna-Karin, the woman in the couple, asked if I could have thought of doing something else than working with music, something agricultural… “Yes”, I replied, “I certainly could have!” Yes, I am interested in this too… Actually got a place at the engineer program at college once… And at the biology program… And architecture program…

But that’s the strange thing, seen to how I am now, I didn’t work hard at all at the gymnasium… Actually I wonder how, in what way, I went this education through… On a “banana shell” it feels!

But I guess I also have a lot of artistic interests, and maybe they are even stronger than any other interest???

When you are so many siblings and coming so close on top, it’s easier to hide in the crowd!?? But as the oldest you maybe have the light on you a little more? More demands and pressure? And you have to get big early… Even very big although you are very small.

The youngest has in a way more light on her/him too, but in another way? And the youngest have to take all what the oldest have lost? She/he has to fulfill her older siblings needs? And the ones in the midst gets invisible on good and bad?? But even if you have a lot of light and attention on you you can be invisible and not seen... Have to live even more in a lie that you are seen and given attention??? I don't know... So maybe you live more in Denial? And when confronted with the truth, then...

You both shall be seen and not! Both be hum, be and not hide one's light under the bushel... Very contradictory!? And what can that cause? Are you allowed to be the one you really are??

Does this child have to fulfill her/his parents needs even more than the other kids? And this started very early: when I had two smaller siblings already at three... Or three when I was five... Four at seven and started school (which we did when I was small)... I have come to realize when I have seen small kids around - that a three, five or even seven year old child is fairly small!!! Actually has needs to sit in a grown ups lap etc. Needs help with this and that...

Was the oldest allowed to see or realize this? Less than the younger was? And what did this mean?

And none of us are a go-getter (streber in Swedish)… With a wish for a big career (if that has ever been in reach??)… Maybe on the contrary? Satisfied with the little? Yes, I certainly am. I think.

Why? Does this sound strange?

Some philosophical reflections, meditations the first summer vacation day...

-//-

Suddenly I got interested to know if there was any information about the school where I grew up, and lived the first 6, 5 years of my life. Lying 5 km from the town Umeå in the county Västerbotten. And googled on it.

It is called the Forslunda gymnasium today. Actually not so many pictures of it and the houses there. And this site was in Swedish entirely, but the links show maps etc. I lived in the house
numbered as 7. History of this place on this site.There stood some years... And a photo/picture...

We skied to the Hamptjärnsstugan (Hamptjärn-cottage) when my youngest brother P Å wasn't one year yet... I was then 6, my oldest brother 5 and oldest sister not yet 3... Fairly small children in all snow... PÅ drawn in a reindeer (Lapland) sleigh by dad I think. He started to scream! And screamed and screamed so he got red in his face... Round, red, shiny cheeks... There are pictures from this cottage and us, me sitting screwing up my eyes in the sun, looking worried and disturbed by this screaming small brother... No, it wasn't fun!? And the other small siblings struggling in the snow with their skis and ski poles... We could have lost all interests for skiing by this!? It looks as it can have been a bit to ski?? But today PÅ is a fairly good skier! Ironically, with good physics too...

Överkalix – the Municipality mom comes from and where I spent all summers from I was born. “The land of the Midnight Sun”!! Web-Camera over Överkalix, updated each 10 minute.

Boats lying at the shores of the river Kalix-älven with Tallvik - the place where my grand-parents lived - in the back-ground. Taken in August 2006. In this river we bathed when we grew up...

On music - the subject I in fact work with!!

Think if I should write a little about music!!?? The subject I am actually working with! Sat now on the balcony and skimmed the magazine “Opus”.

Want to tip about the Swedish percussion ensemble Kroumata. Whose last recording was with Håkan Hagegård and Ziya Aytekin (which I though don’t know what he/she plays? Or if it is a singer!? And I guess it is a singer and a "she"? No, it was a he!! From Turkey, now living in Sweden! So, yes, this sounds as an interesting combination! Seen to what instruments he played: Turkish of different kinds, wind-instruments?:-)).

They also had a concert with the Swedish singer Erika Sunnegårdh, 41, in February this year in a newly written piece "The world as I see it", inspired by Einstein, by the Swedish composer Carl Unander Scharin.

She is going to sing at the Metropolitan again (in Turandot?). She sang recently in Beethoven's "Fidelio".

Both her parents were sing-pedagogues, her father (which I imagine was a bit older when she got born) died when she was only six years and the mother Margaretha is still living and I think she comes from US! She has an older half-brother Thomas Sunnegårdh which is also singer and his wife (?) is the singer Katarina Dalayman, all great singers I think. Erika was supposed to sing in a Mozart opera at Metropolitan but the director thought she had a too big voice for this!!

Tips to new singers from Erika: look so you have a team of supporters, supporting you as a whole being, whether you are singing or not. Work on yourself as a human being – singer you are only for a short time/a few years. Dare to be an individual who are singing and has something to say through your music and in life. Noone want to see a stage full of copies!

From her parents she has got as she says a self-critical inheritance.

She talks about a joy to sing and work in her studio!! In just singing. The love to music and lust to analyze she has got from her parents too. Erika’s dad had students like Birgit Nilsson and Kerstin Meyer.

Now Erika has taken lessons for the singer Catherine Malfitano on the Met, and thinks she has found new values in her voice. After two weeks of daily lessons Malfitano said to Erika: “Is there anyone who knows you can sing this beautiful?” Erika thinks Malfitano has helped her to find the sensualism in her voice.

In fact Erika also took ballet lessons at the Ballet Academy in Stockholm and was fairly clever on this too, musical, but tall... Too tall here in Sweden... So she had to skip such a carreer.

It also stood that there will come a portrait of Håkan Hagegård in the next magazine!! He has worked for 40 years now!?? See his creation HageGården on this site. In fact the young girl singing on the DVD we recorded is daughter to a cousin to Håkan and Erland Hagegård!!! But she has not been taking singing-lessons more than now two years… So she is singing with a fairly small voice!

Also see the site "Tonsatt - the Nightingale", where three Swedish composers, Sven-David Sandström, Reine Jönsson and Catharina Palmér, teach/help people to compose!!! In English too!! They also have a blog!!!

All this from the magazine "Opus"!!!

And as it is our national day today I just have to have a flag in this blog-post!??
Got it from my studierektor ("director of studies"), Per-Erik, in an email from him to us all! :-)

A non-photographing family and the Jante-law...

We were no photographing family… There exist photos the first maybe 8 years of my life, to when the fifth child was born… After that it decreased slowly. My brother got a film camera and films were taken for some years from when I was in the beginning of my teens and a couple of years forward, but to film and photograph was so expensive, so when it had lasted for too long dad started to react:

“But now… Stop! Now it’s enough!”

So slowly all lost the interest to photograph and film?

And this has been an ongoing pattern!! I don’t think any of the later built families has been enthusiastically photographing? Not even the ones that have families and children!

So there are things connected to this with photographs, photographing, being photographed and filmed? And how one was mirrored too I guess in whole… (I hate being filmed and photographed and recorded. I haven't seen the DVD we did yet, and probably won't either in the nearest future, I haven't even seen the cover of it really... And not even listened to the result, I was forced to listen a little during the recording, one of the filmers thought I should because he thought it sounded so good. I didn't really think so...).

My eagerness to communicate though goes over all borders?? Over language borders too! My choice of work, my will to communicate with pictures too (even the not so perfect ones; giving impressions, ideas and feelings of what I am talking about. An overwhelming gladness in communicating and sharing, though not appreciated by all I have come to realize).

“How pretentious to write in English!!! ('and with that English too!!!' which maybe isn't outspoken? But never mind)”

Came to think about the Jante-law, which they wrote about on the psycho history list this spring… I smiled when I read it, because I don’t think they really captured this law!! But I don’t think only we Scandinavians suffer from it!

Actually it came a book 1988 in Norwegian (1990 in Swedish) with the title “The Man from Jante” (“Mannen från Jante”) about the Danish-Norwegian author Aksel (Axel) Sandemose (born 1898 I think, in Denmark, died in Norway?).

It stands in the Swedish National Encyclopaedia that the Jante-law consists of ten “commandments” characterized by the small town mentality and jealousy (connected to the small town Nyköbing in Denmark where Sandemose was born). It was Sandemose who gave final shape to this law in a novel he wrote 1933 “En flykting krosser sitt spor” (“A refugee crosses his trace” or something like that).

It stands on page 38 in the book about Sandemose that it was the forms terror or radically “formalism”, which was the paste that held Jante together. The message in the Jante-law is that man shall be adapted to the collective only. It is a law with which human beings shackle (klavbinder) and are holding each others down. When the oppression (fötrycket) has worked for enough long time the oppressed take over the oppression without help of any tyrant and the Jante-law is their most important and powerful weapon.

Jante is holding Jante down through terror which means threatening the individual with exclusion from a community and fellowship which thought doesn’t exist – an empty community, a “forms” and “rituals” community. All are alone but thinks all others are holding together in a community.

Every digression (avvikelse) and each transgression (överträdelse) is ardently (nitiskt) connected to the slightly floating and infamously (infamt) insinuatingly question:

”Maybe you think we don’t know anything about you?”

Yes,

“Who do you think you are?”

That’s the essence of this law…

Sandemose really lived a hard life, married a much younger woman at last and died in his 60s... Suffered from depressions and was influenced by Freud, and had read him I think, as many intellectuals had done and did then and as many intellectuals did many decades later on...

Now a tour out on bike… It’s a wonderful weather I think. Then home changing cloths and going for lunch with all on my workplace out on the countryside…

The theme Jante-law occurred on the psycho history list in the post "Dutch children happiest in Europe" and the following comments. But I wonder if it was the ideas I reacted upon on how it is in our countries??? No matter, now I am going to take a bike-tour!! :-)

At 15.45: A typical May-pole for this county, actually made at midsummer and standing the whole year to next midsummer, which is special for this county. With the typically crossed arrows which this county has in it's arms (what we call "vapen").

Now soon a mini-concert with seven pupils - and ice cream eating... Which is appropriate today!! It's summer warmth. Nice! But I wonder if I have got a a summer cold too? Not wearing enough cloths?

A picture I suddenly got: A sarcastic, ironic, contemptuous gaze from a father at the eager, lively child (a daughter), a gaze not even with a moderating smile. Just a "dismissing" gaze...
With no love at all. Over such a stupidity, but for the first for the childishness (talk about having high thoughts of children?)! A gaze whose message very clearly was (though not said in spoken words):

"How childish!!"

with a deep, deep contempt. But this was a child! Aren't children supposed to be children??
A contempt for the child. Deep.

"Behaving like that!! Talking in that way!!"

Even this not said in words, but impossible to understand in another way. And a deep, deep shame over such a child. A child that wasn't allowed to be proud and glad in its interests, curiousnesses, gladnesses and whole appearance (artistically gifted? In not only one area?)... Still harbored in a grown up woman...

-//-

Now I think I am going to write Runa's story... Which the next blog post will be about I think...

-//-

A break in writing sitting at the balcony in the warm summer evening sun!! Wonderful! Out on the bike tour before lunch the sweet smell of forest and pine needles... On the lunch I saw meadow flowers already and sensed a fairly strong smell in strokes of lilies of the valley!

Came to think out there on the balcony: there exist verbal abuse and emotional incest - too...

Also came to think of a near relative whose mother pulled her and her siblings hair... I came to know this mother (pulling the hair), and can imagine what she actually did and how...

This violation related with a calm voice as if it was nothing...

And this woman also got beaten up furiously by a father with a belt when she (being four years old) and a younger comrade (also girl) had crushed the lights of a car-wreck... Also related with a calm voice... This happened round 1930 I think... I wonder what happened more, seen to what I know further... And myself have seen with my own eyes though I was a child and from what I know. Maybe seen with a very clear eyed child's eyes? What consequences did this give? Even in further generations? Results even from those things I only slightly imagine and which are non-spoken (and seen as unimportant, not meaning anything at all and even forgotten)... Was future generations spared? Or what have they suffered and sacrificed? I just wonder. How harmless was this all - actually??

I wonder quite silently what those things, which then maybe was seen as totally harmless and with no lasting, or long lasting, consequences, in fact has led to? Not only then for one single child, but later for many more, and in fact not so few... Yes, I really wonder...

June 5: Incapable of protecting, not only herself, but first and foremost her children properly... And a boy that got abused can become an abuser... As the girl can become... Too. Even subtly abusing...

Några små tysta tankar/Some quiet thoughts…

Några små tankar så här "dagen efter"...

Kvinnor tar generellt mer ansvar för stämningen på arbetsplatser… För allt och alla… Vilket man konstaterat i litteratur som rör utmattningssjukdomar. Inverkar det i längden på deras arbetsprestationer, till nackdel för dessa? Vinner männen i prestationshänseende på att de är mindre benägna att ta ansvar för allt och alla?

Tänker på hur det är på min arbetsplats…

Empati anses också vara en faktor bakom utmattning… Vilket forskningen också konstaterat.

Hur är det med empati för en själv?

Och vad innebär det i vårt jobb? Där det handlar om prestationer? När det handlar om prestationer?

Oerhörd känslighet betyder inte att man är känslig eller empatisk för andra!

Nu pratar jag i gåtor? Men jag har en särskild man och kvinna på jobbet i åtanke, som undervisar på samma instrument. Där kvinnan tar en massa ansvar, är mån om eleverna, försöker fixa kompnoter i någorlunda tid (alla har enormt mycket att göra? Vårt jobb blir lätt gränslöst. Något som vi kanske borde vara mer medvetna om och prata mer öppet om!). Och går på möten

Mannen överlåter ansvaret. Och visst, på ett sätt är det ju bra! Det måste kanske finnas en gräns för hur mycket ansvar man ska ta för andra, inklusive elever. Och denne man går inte heller på möten som rör hans elever också. Och ledningen verkar inte se eller märka detta? Han glider liksom ovanpå och får göra det!? Jag är nog ganska arg...

Ja, bara litet lösa tankar… Och det finns säkert undantag från detta ovan!!!
//
Some quiet reflections the "day after"… About my work-place. Women generally take more responsibility for the atmosphere at work, for all and everything (which research has shown too). Men take less, or at least some men take less at least at my work-place?

I wonder what this leads to… The women get exhausted. It takes a longer time for men to get exhausted. But soon or less they too can get exhausted. And if the same pattern occurs at home: the woman is more responsible-talking and the man less – no wonder women suffer from all kind of “burn-out” problems (experts doesn’t want to call this phenomenon “burn out” because it leads the thoughts wrong, because this “disease isn’t incurable, but curable), if one adds all responsibilities women take both at home and at work and maybe at other places.... At least it is so here, in this country, I don't know if this is a world-wide phenomenon...

Empathy is a factor which can cause exhaustion research has also shown… But an enormous sensibility/sensitivity doesn’t always include sensitivity both for yourself and others… Some are very sensitive when it comes to themselves and others are much more sensitive when it comes to others, and between these two poles there probably exist all different degrees of sensitivities… This has something to do with destructiveness or self-destructiveness (something I don’t think we chose though – and that I will underline and this is another topic I probably will come back to too).

This has to do with being capable of taking a sound amount of responsibility, of being capable of knowing ones boarders and the limits for ones responsibility, but not deny responsibility one actually have!? And maybe also be capable of having a mature communication?

Women maybe tends to suppress their feelings and thoughts until they are so full so they get an outburst!!?? But again, I don’t think it is as easy as many methods claim to change this. To do so (changing these patterns no matter if it is a woman or a man that want to change it) demands a lot of work… Maybe even a hard work…

I also came to think now wrting about this about different defence-strategies, and problems for all, no matter what defence-strategy one “prefers” to use to admit truths, because the most underlying truths are so painful. And, too, I don’t think anyone consciously chooses defence-strategy, therefore I put the word “prefers" between quotation-marks.

And on top, if it is like this as I wrote above (about different permissions for men and women, and whose fault and responsibility is this, if it is like I am thinking and feeling? Has the bosses something to do with this? Is it they who should be blamed?) I think men also presents better results at work, with pupils/students and in their own playing too (because they generally have more en energy and time and thus are capable of focussing which we somen who are very clever and rescuing everything don't have, which isn't strange at all*)!? At least I think it is so at our work-place).

*And, yes, now I am back to that about different capacities!! A topic that made me so angry! Because noone has a limitless capacity, how clever he/she even is! And can this be an excuse, to claim people's capacities, both in negative and positive direction? For the bosses (and leaders and teachers) not to take their responsibility and be fair and treat all equal and juste??
I don’t know how to express this, but I’ll try… Men don’t tolerate what women do, generally!? Or some men at my work-place at least I feel? Men are tougher, even dare to have higher demands.

The man referred to above takes even less responsibility than other male colleagues; what about giving the accompanist the music which his students are going to play… It’s up to the student and the accompanist! (Honestly I am a bit angry, and maybe now talking in riddles!! Hmmm…).

And if you work fulltime on top… Yes, I am really angry???

And the bosses have nothing to do with this? Or?

But, yes, there is exceptions from this at my work-place; men taking almost as much responsibility as women. But women are generally and to a higher degree responsibility-taking among us?

And from what I can imagine and what I know (I have met my male colleagues wives and female colleagues husbands) my female colleagues also takes more responsibility at home, the roles there are fairly traditional and men takes less generally I think… That is an impression or feeling I have…

Roles we took already early in life and had to take early in life? Noone gains on this, neither women nor men I think. And not their relations either?

But the state of affairs can also be the reverse: a man which becomes father later in life, when he is more mature and has come to value other things which can come to take an enormous responsibility and his younger wife doesn’t take as much… But there are probably also exceptions to this: young fathers taking a lot of responsibility… But generally it isn’t like this?

It is much more to say about this, but the root for this pouring out is very personal, so take it for that… And maybe I have a special man in thought (why is he so important, what does he represent?? But that’s my personal and private thing)… I am angry, maybe very angry too… And I don't say that this issue is a simple one, easily solved... No, it is fairly complex (or not?)...

And the ones who have access to my blog don’t have anything to do with this, I just want to say!

And I think I will label this blog with "empathy" too, because I think I will come back to this topic, about empathy... And thus as many of its sides too. And develop that concept. Addition: and you can't learn empathy with your head or in a/the school!? But noone is born with lack of empathy either I think... (a child shown genuine empathy shows this is turn, naturally, I think. And if a child or adult shows lack of empathy it has a/many reaons and causes, not only from events in grown up life).

And, yes, that about giving a child a voice and maybe the different results in individuals, men and women of not having been given a voice early in life (hasn't research shown that there hardly exist any female serial-killers? Where does their anger gets its expression?)... The therapist Ingeborg also mentions Richard Grossman and giving a child voice in her book, an writes a whole chapter about this if I remember right!

See also the review "Tusen gånger starkare/thousand times stronger...". .

All this of course has all different exceptions!! And this is powerful (and painful? Maybe even very painful) things...

Additon just before lunch in a hurry: And there is probably also men who can mirror themselves in the ”women-problem” I have sketched above!? Both work-place and family related problems!?

English word of today "pouring out" which means utgjutelse in Swedish.