In a lunch break today (a lot of things on different levels have triggered these thoughts):
In our work plainness (tydlighet in Swedish) is extremely important because the character of our work and how it is organized (for our sake as teachers, but this also functions as a model for how we behave towards our pupils/students etc.)!! Maybe more important than in many other jobs? Now I thought of plainness what concern the organization, an organization that leaves as little room for doubts as possible. Of course no organization will ever be perfect!! But that’s no excuse for trying not to make things even better.
But what I thought about on my way to work this morning was that in dealing with people in my work (parents for instance) informing them about things is important. How I/we work, which our circumstances are etc.
If they don’t understand I have to try to explain for them a little better!? And if they still don’t understand, but persist in something, I can try to be even clearer? But sooner or less if they still persist… Maybe I have to ask what it is about? Yes. If I have tried to be very clear. Is it my fault, that I am not clear enough (which of course can be so!?) or what is it about? Here self-knowledge would be an advantage!!?? Is it me tat doesn’t see something? Or is it the other part that is the problem? Or is it both about me and the other?
This can really be tricky, and make one feel both this and that… Bad, lousy etc.
How is it then on a more private level, with if not partners and family, but with friends concerning these things: Setting limits or maybe seeing that you are stepping over limits too (and realizing what harm you actually do by this!? Big or small? To a powerless, dependent, small or to a person with own power, which isn’t dependent, is grown up even).
Of course there must be rules between people!? You can’t walk on like a bulldozer, and not accuse the part that is reacting for being too sensitive, maybe for being oversensitive!!? Which is also a risk! That one part can do! But that’s not either to take responsibility for yourself…
This about communication – the difficult, tricky thing… Where all involved have responsibilities… To communicate, preferably as soon as possible (which can be difficult if one has been harmed and doesn’t know what boundary-violations are)…
If one sees things here too try to communicate as clearly as possible where your boundaries lies, what you feel, how you react or what it is about… And if you have repeatedly tried to communicate something as clearly as possible, and the other person doesn’t understand, then…
A female physician and Gestalt-therapist said that she has one cock horse (käpphäst in Swedish) and that is not saying how another person is. Not to say:
Where does such a statement lead? To anything? What is the one being labeled supposed to say? Admit?
“Yes, I am! Thank you for saying it! I am so extremely grateful to you, that someone at last told me this! I shall immediately try to change!!”
If I say:
“You are…” doesn’t any further discussion easily get stuck?? And can’t such a statement also be a projection? And to exemplify more explicitly:
"You feel no remorse!" What do one answer to that?
"Oh yes, I certainly DO!!!" Or, after having thought of it
"Yes, you are right!" Who knows for sure what another person feels or thinks? And how do one prove neither the first nor the latter? And if the other already has decided who and what you are...
Think if the one who is said to be a lousy person gets sad?? What then about remorse from the one saying such things as
"You are..." "You feel..."??Not being plain what can that be about? You have the power not to be? Are you behaving as the authoritarian, totalitarian parent who didn't have to explain anything once did, or? Just some wonders...
Each person, and all involved, has responsibility for her/himself, shall take it and ought to take it... Does here exist any reconciliation? Between grown ups!? But when it comes to a child (now grown up) and his parent/s... Then it is prescribed! Almost? This doesn't mean I think reconciliation should be prescribed between grown ups either to the left and right... Moralistically.
Moralizing is a question of its own...
Addition: On my way back to work after lunch I came to think about my 20-year old nephew. We had a talk this winter which made me think… And realize things!? Made me see things from another angle?
What a tragedy it would be if he harmed a girl, raped a girl… I don’t think he would do that deliberately (want to believe he wouldn’t?).
Came to think that even if the girl (woman) takes part in these things at first, she can change her mind suddenly in the whole?? Even if they have come very far… Then of course he shall stop what they are doing, respect her wish. With no doubt.
The Finnish author wrote the book Märta Tikkanen“Men cannot be raped” (“Män
I tried to put myself in my nephews situation: if he didn’t see or sense that the girl/young woman didn’t want to continue but went on with what he was doing… And thus raped the girl/young woman. Or maybe didn't really heard what she said...
Or if he didn’t notice immediately and sensitively that her boarder was reached… But just went a little bit too far, before he stopped, but stopped after a while. Because he has experienced things (not with certainty the worse sexual abuse) and thus is a little bit insensitive, but sensitive enough to understand afterwards what he has done to a certain degree and was capable of feeling regret for it…
Would it be possible for these two to talk about the whole??? But not being forced by any authority or anything, but talk in a protected circumstance where no further abuse could occur? That he got the opportunity to understand what he had done and regret it and ask forgiveness genuinely? A process in which he really understood what abuse is?? But is certainly no prescription either for "what you/one ought to do"!!! And I don't mean to excuse these things either - at all! Not the slightest bit!
Now I am seeing it from the abusers side? Entirely?? no as I wrote, it doesn't mean I excuse this at all!!! It simply shouldn't happen!
But if we harm boys when they grow up the result can be this: that he commit these forms of abuse! Isn’t that awful?? For the boy in question too? And shouldn’t happen?
And the girl is probably also harmed which landed in this situation? Which is no excuse either for doing this to her!
Abuse of this kind (=sexual) can lead to excessive sexual life or no sexual life at all… So another result can be that the early abused person doesn’t have a sexual life at all! Avoid it entirely?
I see other parallels in other situations when people deal with each others, where no sexual intercourse never took place either, but the contact lay on another level... And one went too far (or was thought to have gone too far, despite, still, that no intercourse or such things ever took place). And the other part was too harmed to see it not until very far into the relation... A relation between too harmed people?? Where both were a little blind, and a little insensitive...
Realizing suddenly with a shock "what it was about"?
How would a grown up reaction to this be? Should one let "the abusing" part get an opportunity to explain anything? Or is it even anything to talk about? And when shall one not?
Am I talking in riddles now?
I am trying to understand things... And what shall I understand of this?