Extremely clever...

Incredibly clever... (and the demands must have been extremely high if you see to the expressions it has taken and still takes!!! And love maybe not existing, if it had existed to a higher degree the struggles would have been of a totally either kind?? Talk about extremely conditional love!!? No wonder the tiredness and exhaustion? Added with all suppressed, that is still so very suppressed! without this idealization how would that be? To realize the truth, not even a slight bit of it). Perfectly fixed up at home, a lot of children coming close... A big house... On top a crofter's holding in the middle of the country, a small cottage in the north, for two years a farm in the south, with horses, sheep... Hay-harvest...

The children had to take care of themselves!! And they did! cheerfully and very cleverly! No we are ok! No problems! No no, I don't need this or that!! They assured themselves and others, genuinely convinced... I have no needs! No!

To be good enough!? Why are one taking the guilt on one? Why are one taking on so much responsibility?

Even on holiday trips: standing washing cloths while the children with their cousins and the cousin's mother went to a beach to bath and sunbath, with lemonade and home baked buns, well tasting when one had bathed and been swimming and been out since early morning...

The child didn't think this was so fun. Felt guilt for going away, having fun, doing nice things as rowing a boat, fishing, bathing, swimming...

Six siblings - extremely responsible taking at work as adults... Though without making a big affair about it, doing it without telling all and everyone... Not strange with exhaustion... But an exhaustion that comes on long term it looks... It takes time before it comes, but it probably comes if one doesn't watch...

Came to talk with my mom, who said reflectively that it seems as all four daughters are extremely hard working and doing their utter best, and maybe doing more than they should or are a work they aren't granted corresponding appreciation for really either... Appreciation, yes, to some degree... Sacrificing what? Anything? And for what are they working like this?

Aren't they either feeling they are good enough? That how much they even work they will never be - or maybe...? Maybe??? So best keep on working?? Is it?

But you will never be able to have it as perfectly, as you once could as young, a whole life... Not so extremely perfect!! Today it's even more impossible!! We live a entirely different life? Not so calm as then, not with housewives... Not even the younger women (and men!!!)...

Without these achievements you are out of hope to get love!!??? But even if you struggle till your death to earn this love you will never get it!!?? That time has gone and was lost a long time ago? Noone can give anyone that love later!! But think if there are other things here and now that are in reach...

Think if you are striving for something that doesn't exist, but miss things that in fact exists here and now?? Which you don't see because you are so occupied with something else!?

And what sort of helper (male therapist) that put even more responsibility on this small woman's shoulders... That would be the cure, or? "Don't think you are someone!!" Wasn't it??? What did he have to live out? Something he hadn't processed?? I ask silently and very ironically...

So much working... So many thoughts...

Have washed the last windows and put up the newly-washed and mangled curtains... It smells so fresh!! In the middle of working thinking... And writing... taking the bike to the store to buy some food... Home for lunch. Finishing some writing... Tea with honey and home baked bread with bread and butter in the sun at the balcony... Chilly in the air despite the sun, so I took a blanket over my legs - nice...

As grown up there has been people extremely admiring over the independency and no-neediness and cleverness... Convinced about these traits!! But maybe there has been others which have seen something else, but kept quiet about it??

Now I would like to take an afternoon nap I think, and sleep and sleep and sleep...

Addition: From bike tour...

There is more to say, but I will possibly come back to that?

Yes, I have experiences of ourchildhood.int forum, and Alice Miller herself a little... I think harmful things could have happened on the forum (which haven't come to light) and I often react over Miller's answers to her readers... The readers' letters are often more interesting than Miller's answers.

Thinks she show, how shall I express this, but an astounding lack of empathy often for peoples problems, inability to make changes, when they are writing to her in confidence and trust... Thus showing a sort of contempt which I find very surprising and contradictory... And not an empathy one could and should expect from her to be honest. I can't really put this together, and thinks this is very sad seen to the books she has written. Books which I think radically shows another person than I have met later. Has she experienced something the last years that has made her so... how shall I express this? Bitter, disillusioned?