Inlägg
"Strained relationships" are to be seen as "ansträngda eller spända förhållanden" in Swedish?
Thought further on this... The methods to deal with such relationships, and all other problems, one come with to a helper (for instance a therapist), is to learn to cope with it!!?? First to understand the possible roots, if required helped by the therapists interpretation. And when this is done it is just to change behavior!!! If you don't... Then you are a failure, a looser, maybe even hopeless?? (contempt for weakness? Förakt för svaghet!? The vicious circle of contempt - which also therapists suffer from who hasn't worked their own through enough?)
Jenson and Bosch talks about a defense which the very small child use they think, maybe even the baby, or probably even the baby, namely to blame itself, for not being able to take care of itself, for not being able to this and that... This the child takes with her/him to adult life if it isn't processed then in early childhood to a certain degree, and most often many of these things aren't... So the grown up goes on using this defense to protect her/himself against everything that reminds her/him about painful events in the past. Blaming her/himself... "I'm just no good!!" more or less visible, more or less recognized/acknowledged...
Women tend to admit to this more, they are taking blame on themselves more "officially", men less... This even to themselves (women admits it more and men less)... Which probably also is what's allowed in the society: men shall be strong and self confident and all that?? Still??? Women are allowed to be more insecure (and maybe they aren't really allowed either to be self-secure and aware of their own value? But men are as little sure of themselves, but aren't allowed to admit it or even tend to deny this?? Women are allowed to and "shall" in a way be insecure and dependent and weak and helpless too, how irritating it also can be, if not at first but after a while).
This is what's working in depression, this blame-yourself-defense Bosch thinks...
But to come back to therapy using the coping-method; sooner or less the client will realize that fairly little has changed in her/his life, despite an initial feeling of having "solved everything"? And really feeling good. What happens then? (I ask ironically on behalf of the client) Yes, I think the client easily start to blame her/himself for being such an unsuccessfully creature, bad, not worth a penny!!! So what has this so called "help" in fact done??? The clients self-blame has been even more strengthened??? And think if she/he has alienated her/him from an actual healing even more!!??? And has become even more distanced from it rather than the opposite!??? Which I think is a/the result...
Yes, honestly, I think this is what happens in many therapies, and sad to say, even in most therapies? Or at least all too many!!??
And who is to blame and question? In this case all therapists which work like this - I think??
Clients aren't really allowed to tell their stories, or even to be drawn nearer to them? In a real sense... And clients tend not do this on their own, i.e., tell their stories (even those who are aware of them!), without encouragement, and the healing effects if a caregiver point out what he/she sees, empathically, the story about Eva Maria will tell... Which will be a coming blog post I have thought of. Should want to tell her story.
I also wonder what effects those therapists above cause, how unintentional or unconscious this even is from the therapists part, in clients? A fear that the clients (and first of all their therapists for their stories in turn) shouldn't have for their truths or how I shall express this...
Because the reason why trauma got suppressed is that it was too scary and frightening and painful to experience consciously, and if we start to remember these feelings come up (or if we start to feel memories come), which was connected then to too painful events to really be aware of them or at all consciously experience maybe at all... This fear only gets strengthened by this sort of therapy I think...
Therapists should know that, yes, this is scary and so painful that it feels as one can't survive it, but you can survive it, you won't die of it, how horrible it even feels... And it is not happening now, but is about then... By their therapy-methods they contribute to this fear instead of the opposite. And how therapeutically is this honestly I wonder quite ironical...
And I am not sure it has to be so dramatical always either, which maybe Kirkengens stories show!!?? Just narrating can make many people recover only by this telling??
Talking highly about all these things in society maybe would mean a lot to many and for many be the only recovery they need even?
I also came to think out there about a well known female singer here, colored and American from birth, which came to Sweden in her 20s and met a Swedish man and got in love with him and married him and still lives here. She has written a couple of books about a severe crisis she landed in when both her husband and mom died in a short time. Two very important figures in her life... She and her husband had no children...
She had a sister, all her siblings were/are younger and all were sisters, was married to an abusive man. The sisters tried to save her; fix a new apartment etc. But the sister didn't take this offer but remained for another half or whole year in the marriage till she herself thought it was enough, maybe she though had got a kick by her sisters initiative to question her life...
But noone seemed to reflect upon why she had married such a man...
These sisters (born from 1945 and further?) parents divorced at an early stage, I am not sure they were married either, and was raised by their mother and grandmother (who had been a slave?)... So what did they learn, how was this life? What did these girls have to take?
It's not just to have a settlement here and now, you need to go further?? "Only" blaming people here and now, in the present, and adults between, doesn't solve things enough?? Maybe only things on the surface? But is maybe necessary, yes...
I think about what Miller wrote about a Danish author in "Deception Kills Love", who got sexually abused by a man he visited in Copenhagen, sent to him by his parents...
Not until he was grown up he could tell this story, but despite he did this in therapy he still was ridden by mares... Miller thinks this was because he wasn't allowed (or encouraged) to go further and question the original abusers... But that's a holy thing to do?? Absolutely unthinkable? Yes, "Honor thy..."???
Two tips from a friend (in Norwegian): "Familien kan vaere problemet" ("The Family can be the problem") och "Nei til underlivsundersökelser -av jenter" ("No to examinations of the lower abdomen on girls", which was a suggestion by a Norwegian man that this should be done generally).
And a picture on more water and trees!!! :-) There's a lot of them here!? I have come to realize myself! I haven't really been aware of it before!
And there was blueberry wires too!! And a nice, small beach to the left actually!! People lying there already sunbathing...
Saw there is going to be a TV-program about the stoneware factory of Wallåkra, Skåne, this afternoon. I was there a year ago with a female cousin when I finished at a course at the College of Music in Malmö or "Malmö Academy of Music" (100 years since it started I saw now in a magazine called "Opus"!!)! It rally was a place that stirred the imagination. This site was in Swedish only, but there was pictures that give an impression of this place. It stood for instance that Dinosaurs have been found in this area! And that this factory lies in a nature reserve. Yes, it was nice, but small.
See also Svenskt kulturarv (though also only in Swedish).
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