onsdag 20 juni 2007

More morning reflections...

I am sitting here waiting for my new computer... Reading, thinking... When it has come I am going to go to the super market. Have invited people this afternoon. And I have thought of doing some changes with the new blue linen dress I have bought but not used yet, to wear it on Midsummer. It felt so narrow, so I am going to try to put a fastener or zipper (blixtlås) in the side. This will be tricky, but I hope I find a solution... (I need to see things I have done literally too!?? :-)). And I use to solve things like these... :-) The extremely clever, un-needy big sister, who manages everything on her own (???)!

Thought further on the themes from yesterday...

Came to think of a very cute group of siblings, many and coming close... Many small children needing help at the same time... For instance if it was winter with all the cloths then. Mom making piles with sweaters, socks, woolen gloves, woolen caps, winter shoes...

A very sweaty procedure for all!! When it was finished and all children out at last, the smallest needed to pee, and had to be taken in, and undressed enough to do that...

Think what a work for that mother!!! Think how clever she was. With so many small children! And others who thinks two small children is enough and more than enough. But noone have ever thought of or mentioned how this was for the small children... This is entirely out of question. It just doesn't exist... Honestly a bit strange I think today as grown up since fairly many years...

Three small siblings visiting their mother at the maternal hospital, when the fourth sibling had been born, a boy. In fact just round midsummer... The smallest (a girl then just two years) allowed to sit in mom's lap... The oldest (five years) wasn't allowed. Not said explicitly then, probably not needed any more?? Just a reproaching gaze if needed further (that the mom was so exhausted with everything, and "don't you see, the lap is already occupied!?" Yes, she had to be very "understanding" for grown ups, siblings, all and everyone from very early, probably very, very early. She was never jealous at her little brother 15 moths older her mother has said. And what alternatives does a small child have compared to an adult? She/he just has to find her/himself? Usually a grown up doesn't have to, isn't forced? If she/he isn't too paralyzed by her/his story?):
"But you are big now!!! (Or aren't you, maybe??? a little sarcastically, and in fact contemptuously - and how loving is that??? I just wonder. Contempt for a small, dependent child!?)".
But a five year old child is small... I realize now when I have pupils which are almost as small. And I think I have seen this with other small children around...

No, the minority, the majority, the more damaged, or less (and what do we know about that actually. But this is no competition either about who is the most damaged!? Or shouldn't be!), smallest, biggest, youngest, oldest etc. doesn't ought neither to be allowed to take more nor less space???

So that the big, "clever" etc. should have to step back (or any other should have to), of consideration, of thinking on, without the right to demand anything maybe, making her (or maybe him) almost if not entirely invisible? Or at least not allowed to demand things of real importance!? Given surrogates instead of real time, attention and love!?

Who are to blame? Who should have been blamed and questioned? Who were responsible for that the children didn't become equally or fairly treated? Was it an individual child's fault? Was it the responsibility of any of the children? Whether small or big... Clever or a little less (!!!) clever...

When you aren't allowed to question the ones with power (which would be too threatening, emotionally, but also in the imagination of the child: what would happen? Would it be abandoned? Driven out of the house?) where do you then direct your anger including all the other forbidden feelings? What objects are convenient? And if there aren't any convenient objects (a big sister doesn't beat a smaller!!)?

But the big, clever shall not be given more space either! Not less and not more! Maybe not easy, but this should be the strive??? And not least should the parents be naturally sensitive to these things... That they aren't has probably a corresponding explanation, but therefore it isn't naturally or rtaher autmatically an excuse... Or at all any excuse in any case.

And how many doesn't claim:
"But there doesn't exist any perfect parents!!!"
No, it doesn't, and maybe it will never do??? But that doesn't matter for the child's feelings or in this whole issue! The child feels what it feels, it feels as it feels!! That's the fact. And it has probably reasons, hasn't come right out from the blue. And I think the child should be allowed to feel just and exactly this feeling! I.e., be allowed to be as angry, disappointed, sad and crying as she/he actually is and feel... And not hindered in this feeling or moralized over. Or not tried to be talked away from it either, and not least! Including not distracted with something else!!

How many therapists (not least psycho analytically influenced - and how many therapists aren't influenced by these ideas) talk about feelings, for instance envy, jealousy etc.? They just talk about it!! The message easily becomes a message (how well intentioned the therapist even is, and maybe not even aware over what he/she does) that the client should be ashamed over these feelings!!??? Maybe as much as the small child was then; for being so bad, feeling wrong and not being as not begrudging (unnande - ett heligt bud!!!?? Att unna, inte vara svartsjuk, avundsjuk, missunnsam - hu så hemskt!!! HEMSKT!) as it should and as it would want to be!!! And as she/he in fact would be, so angry,upset, raging, maybe even hating, seen to the circumstances and situations that occurred then, i.e., most justified feelings!!!!

Because the truth is that the parents aren't treating their children alike, and their behavior is even, to say it straight, loveless!!! ') How much latter therapists even try to intellectualize this and embroider the issue feelings (lägger ut texten, broderar ut) in all endlessness!!! In all their cleverness and so called knowledge and authority!!! Do they have contact with the little child they once was one can wonder???

And what does this do in the client? Does this makes her/him feel less guilty for being so bad and incapable of coping better with things and for not having her/his feeling better in check, and not even this day that is today, not having their feelings in better check! Or feeling even more ashamed and guilty, maybe much more, as a failure, a hopeless case? (How therapeutic and healing is this? And I think this also makes the client even more blind, even for what the therapist does and maybe also am? And can some, worse therapists, even have an interest in this whether it is conscious or not??).

They have all this in check themselves, and how many doesn't literally think they have and are??? Even if their lives clearly show something else too??? (as Bob Sharfs' reflection in his article "What Is Not Therapeutic in Therapy" for instance).

*) But does that matter??? Yes, I think it does! I think it matters to the child there and then.

Addition: a tip about a readers' letter on Miller's web from a woman whose parents were mental health professionals; her mother psychologist and her father psychiatrist at a prominent medical school!!! Despite having educated parents she got abuse, severely by them I think. Emotionally??? Her youngest sister died in colon cancer... Even if one should suppose her parents would be better than other parents, they weren't!? Can this say something about the competence and enlightenment in this profession???

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