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Something in me reacted against this advice from the therapist (or other "helper", I don't remember now) ... Something wrong with the young woman (inherent fault? You fix an apparatus or machine!?) that had to be changed! Was there room for to understand why she suffered from this "disease"?? To understand and explain it, and not only do it in an intellectual manner, but question it with rage, disappointment and a whole range of feelings that hadn't been allowed so far, neither by the one that brought this down on her nor anyone in her environment (at work, in family, among friends)?
And during this process maybe also getting access with real events in the past, treatments by a contemptuous parent (father for instance) for which the daughter wasn't good enough and would never really be? (which in turn has explanations, but is the parents responsibility). Which would make the present reactions and problems understandable... And make them logical!? And possible to resolve? And resolve them on a deep and real level, not only on the surface, just by changing ones behavior, because they aren't necessary any longer?
Because these behaviors that has caused problems have been defences against the truth, defences that was necessary then, but isn't any longer, only causes problems now... But these defences aren't possible to just abandon or leave easy like that (so if a client doesn't succeed in changing things she/he isn't to blame)! Because they still function as defences against truths that are difficult to confront even now as grown ups (how wasn't it then for the child??). And the ones that succeed to change behaviors often experience that not much have actually changed in the end, after the initial euphoria. And this isn't strange at all!?
And does therapists or helpers want to know? Are they scared to death themselves for their parents, without being really aware of it? Because. yes, it is s scary, so one think somewhere that one isn't capable of surviving bringing truths to surface?? Bosch and Jensen though means it is possible... To confront these things...
I tried to find this case-description now in the morning in two of my books; "So young? And so clever! - ten stories about being good enough" by Katarina Pietrzak (in Swedish "Så ung? Och så duktig! - 10 berättelser om att räcka till" ISBN 91-89044-90-8) and the other "Diagnose: clever - handbook for overambitious young women" by Tinni Ernsjöö Rappe and Jennie Sjögren (in Swedish "Diagnos: duktig - handbok för överambitiösa tjejer" ISBN 91-7588-453-4).
The blame and demands are put on - who?? The one suffering is the one to blame?? Their own and entire responsibility almost?? And of course, a grown up has responsibilities for her/himself!! But does this exclude compassion, empathy or understanding of that person and her/his problems, the possibly underlying?
And what’s more: how can she interpret this easily? What is the message actually? That she is wrong and has to change? Strengthening this feeling, a feeling she already had and which has forced to work as she has done, to be good enough and get “love” and acceptation? That she cleverly shall something too?
And it doesn’t help if people say:
“You shall not do… You shall not think… Do this instead… Do that… etc.”
Jensen writes about this I think!!! From a parent’s part, when she/he tells the child what to wear, what friends it shall have, what the child shall think and feel and not think and feel!!! These two things parallel each others?? She is inspired about the co-dependency-movement and Pia Melody in this. And means this is to violate the child and her/his integrity and right to have her/his own thoughts, feelings, and reactions and decide if she/he wants to share them or keep them for her/himself. Which isn’t to show the child real, genuine respect! And not trusting the child either?? Which is the grown ups problems, and probably entirely a sign of the grown up’s problems and unresolved things?? And her/his responsibility.
The need from a parent to control the child’s every movement and thought!!! Which thus isn’t allowed to have an own life!??
But to meet the client n therapy with contempt (not even unconsciously feeling contempt) what help is that? What empathy, compassion is that? Isn’t this, to say it straight, more of the same, and nothing more!? Things that once were harmful are they now suddenly healing???
I don’t think therapists get proper help with these things in their educations??? To deal with their own problems? So they avoid to an even higher degree to pass their own further, to manipulate… Even if the probably have learned not to manipulate consciously, they can do it unconsciously? And actually still are contemptuous towards weakness, even if they say something else!! And, yes, noone is perfect, therapists not ether!?
But this is no excuse? They ought to be open for that they can behave in this manner?? And be willing to see it and do something about it? And maybe also admit when they have actually resorted to such a behavior, and develop the ability to judge when the questioning and criticizing is right and hen she/he is not. When it is about her/him and when it is not, but about the other person??
As all whom works with people shall?? Even we teachers!? We shall at least try!? And be aware of this problem!? And I don’t say I manage this, that I am perfect!
See Bosch on burnout again (the last of the linked blogposts), and the blogposts about "clever child". And also see about the disobedient child.
PS. A contempt, maybe almost entirely hidden (even to the helper her/himself) but nevertheless a contempt for weakness?? I feel tendencies to moralizing, to condemnation of the weak, poor women (because it is mostly women that suffer from exhaustion):
"If you just.., then... But now you know everything!!! Why don't you go out and change!!!??"But the defences doesn't function that way...
No smoke without fire as we say??
But to another aspect: why do people need power to such a degree?? Why this need for power and control and of sitting on top?? And for the need to protect ones position?? Is this need inevitable?
The child which need to exercise the power he/she didn't have then, but now has as grown up!!?? The need for power to different degrees parallel the lack of power we had early in life? Maybe very early in life, but as we have little or no access to? And the less power e had and the less we got our (natural, adequate) needs fulfilled the more we need power and cling to it and fight for it??
Came to think once again about the comments to the blogpost about the election in Norway, and snobbishness... The need shown in a lot of ways to separate, detach oneself from others? And by this putting yourself on top of others... Of which some expressions are more harmful than others???
And, yes, it certainly exists, these things... Who gets a position, who is allowed... Even on lower levels... How creative is this?
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