Inlägg
Was searching for something else in one of Kirkengen's books (about hypothyreosis) but found the story of Tanja Tamb (in the book "How Abused children..." which is in Norwegian, pages 86-87 in this book).
There it stood that Tanja was a loved child to her uncle and aunt who had no own children and visited them occasionally. They cuddled her from she came till she left. But the uncle put her to bed every night, and the ritual then contained both care and violation. Therefore Tanja couldn’t find out why she hated this time of the day. The kind uncle couldn’t be guilty to the disgusting things which occurred in the bed in the evening.
To help herself she blamed the bed (thought it was the bed's fault??) for what happened and developed a phobia for beds. At home she suffered from insomnia and got headache in the end of the day (when she should go to bed). Their primary care doctor gave her sleeping pills already from she was five years!! But neither he nor her parents worried about or asked themselves why she couldn’t get to sleep in her (own) bed, but everywhere else and in all other places, as under the stair, in the bathtub or behind the sofa etc. Or why she hided when it was sleeping time.
In a pharmalogical manner Tanja became intoxication and drug dependent as teenager. And in a psychological manner she got favourite with the boys, a spoiled sexual play-toy (as Kirkengen writes) for a gang much older boys. This promiscuous behavior was used against her when she as 18-year old reported her uncle. The kind man who had loved her almost too much, had a credibility in the court as the dissoluted and intoxicated young woman only strengthened.
That her life was the proof of a violated dignity noone saw.
The self-respect was taken away and was never a theme in the court. Tanja had to bear the shame for having accused her uncle, when her self-devastating way of living was obvious. She got judged as the origin/source to her own destructiveness and was judged and treated according to this.
The medical care Tanja had got didn’t protect her from becoming a drug-addicted and an expanded addicted. Tanja had “chosen” a sort of self-treatment (freely???) to handle her difficult, in fact troublesome, life.
She got or developed, no wonder, a basic insecurity about boundaries and a deep self contempt.
A row of studies have established such a connection both in boys and girls tied to the following phenomena: depression, suicide attempts and suicides, self-damage (??), early and many sexual relations, lacking prevention against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, addiction to alcohol and narcotics, unwanted pregnancies, eating disturbances and damages caused by violence.
And in a Norwegian study (from 2001) 31 % among 710 young people said they had been forced to sexual acts.
Thoughts that came for me spontaneously: Depreciated, disparaged, belittled as a living human being, worth nothing. Seen on with deepest contempt. Already by a parent (I see a father here)… The lacking respect the child was treated with is now shown again in therapy and medical care (as in Tanja's case in a court). Even to socially functioning individuals! Disrespect for what the client tells, for what she/he has understood and wondered about!!! For what he/she has read and the conclusions the individual has drawn from that.
And even contempt for her/him and what she/he tells, for what he/she is, is thinking and has understood as if the person was nothing, noone, a mosquito. Yes, would this therapist have treated another person different, which had a high position in society? I can’t help wonder!!
And are men treated differently? Even if the woman in question doesn’t suffer from drug-abuse, has been socially functioning, has a long education!!
Diminishing and belittling signs and also what the person tells. And maybe also disbelieving it?? I am extremely ironical! And I would like to tell all and everyone what can happen in a closed room!! By persons with high educations, maybe with a high reputation too, which are maybe also seen as highly competent?? How they actually can behave (behaves)!! How actually contemptuously!!! And in fact not respectfully at all!!
When a client tells about almost irresistible suicide-wishes and the therapist gets very excited and is no stone-face anymore, but smiles!!! And the client never gets any explanations on what was so good about this. And at last leaves the therapy with a lot of questions which has never been answered!!
Addition: Isn't there parallels between the father watching he child with contempt, coldly (or how I shall express it: just seeing the child/young individual in front of him with no feelings, maybe neither warm nor cold either?) and without love in fact (no warmth, no real, genuine warmth), and the therapist also watching the client there in the chair in front of him, with contempt for her (his) inability to handle things (her/his life), for her/his weaknesses??
And the mother who should have been there; her abilities to protect, and to see (perceive), was beaten out of her and she had been degraded in other manners in her turn...
"You shall not think you are someone!!! (And never forget that!!)"Said to be of love and care and for the child's best!?? And the child also has/had tendencies to blame itself... Which is considered to be a defence...
Who should she have her settlement with; with rage and fury for what it has caused: not only for her personally but also for her children in turn!!??
And that father with his look at his own child/children; why is he so (maybe even totally) shut off? So there doesn't exist any contact in fact between him and his children?? And did the child blame her/himself for this too?? That it was its fault, its character that made him unable to connect to them? Or see it? Or wanting to speak to it, unless he didn't have to pour anger over it, that disgusting, awful creeping creature??
What did this create in the child?? It started to try to be good enough in a lot of different ways, to be better, not so evil, not that devil as it was seen as,not as the nuisance, burden etc.?? Though with little or no success! And when she later enters the therapy-room, she is met with contempt again for this weakness and all her trials to get things hat doesn't exist!! Not with real compassion, empathy or understanding from deep in a therapist hat knows, understand or can imagine on a deep level what this is about actually!!!
That this is understandable behaviors seen to what this individual probably has experienced very early!! That this s telling a story that hasn't yet really been told?? And by telling it the individual there in front of her/him will slowly abandon these behaviors... The individual will slowly understand that these behaviors isn't needed anymore, and will never lead to anything!! Because what she/he is striving for doesn't exist and has never existed, and that this nonexistence isn't his/her fault, and in fact has nothing to do with her/him either!?? And that a child has all rights in the world to have needs and demands and feelings, and to react etc.!
And by lifting this bandage from the eyes, the individual will probably view the world differently; suddenly see opportunities and possibilities she/he hasn't seen before, even if they lay there right in front of them??
See this readers' letter from Miller's web from a man in therapy and his thoughts...
Struck me now while I was making lunch and eating it, about a therapist commenting the clients problems with people around, thinking it is really problematic and wanting to deal with it really and understand why she (he) has these problems... Honestly wanting to deal with them. And the therapist answers (a bit ironically and impatiently over such a stupid, insensitive client - no wonder she/he has problems!?) in the manner:
"But what is your part of the problem???"That the client has no idea about and has never ever thought of?? Never, ever been blaming her/himself for being so lousy handling things!!!
But actually, is that the main question: the client's part of the problem? If this person never questioned her/himself (i.e. didn't blame her/himself ever or ever took any responsibility whatsoever for anything) should she/he ever contact a therapist or seek help?? How, in what way, does this contribute to a solution?? Maybe it does?? If the client then gets an opportunity to reflect upon it?? And if things are allowed to be uncovered? But are they allowed? Can a sensitive client feel and sense this? Maybe not really consciously? And answer to this, by not bringing things about the therapist doesn't want to hear???
The question of guilt again, who's guilty???
I feel very ironical again...
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