A child growing up with real, genuine respect, respected as a living human being, in her/his feelings and reactions (which are seen as adequate responses on something, which is perhaps not seen immediately), does that child have impulses or destructive/self-destructive drives which has to be controlled? Controlled by the environment or him/herself?
But, yes, I think children with violent urges exist. But why are they violent? And violent in that manner… Came to think about the first case Jonathan Pincus writes about in his book, a teenage girl which stabbed a teasing class-mate (or maybe a girl one or two years older), another girl, to death in a school-bus, with a lot of witnesses. This was the first case Pincus was confronted with? Pincus writes about what that girl experienced… And she was probably so harmed that it wasn’t possible to help her recover.
Most of us aren’t treated in that violent manner…
A sign of psychic sickness is to put the blame outside oneself? To blame others is to put the responsibility outside oneself!? To deny ones responsibility…
Professionals (at least some?) talk about impulse-control. More or less lacking… But one can be too controlled in their eyes too? What is enough? Clients have to learn this, mechanically?? But what is it the clients have to control?? Actually? Inherited drives? Destructive/self-destructive impulses that comes from nowhere?
Or is it about feelings that have causes? That was forbidden then? Feelings that are adequate to what the child experienced?
And if these feelings are uncontrolled in that manner, the client is probably not aware about the roots to them? At all.
A child which is totally frigid –has that child been met with empathy and compassion, or by a total lack of these things?
A child has to control feelings and emotions that are adequate, or would be adequate, to how it is treated (or has been treated)!? To avoid more of the same (punishments for example for questioning and reacting) and to survive.
Can the regime in some households/homes be so brutal that NO strategies ion the world helps? And can homes exists where hardly any strategies helps? And others where SOME helped sometimes?
I think of a client in therapy wanting to sort things out, not being able to constructively deal with things, being aware of it too… Coming with a wish to handle things… Telling the therapist about problems in her/his life… With people involved… Reacting over the environment…
But, you know, you shall not put the blame outside you!!!
“What have you done actually, yourself? Haven’t you contributed to the whole? Or maybe, everything lies on you, honestly!? (maybe you should seriously consider this!!?)”
What help does that client get actually? Any at all?? Stuck there?
Because what does this therapist believe in? In drives?? Erotic feelings in a child? And that stuff? But if the client would say that, he/she would be labeled as denying her/his problems??
The client has to admit to her/his drives, inherent!?? If he/she does, then the real work can begin, or what?? In controlling drives and urges??
That a child can be violated and abused not only physically or sexually, but also emotionally – what bullshit?? And in this case the client hadn’t been physically abused, that was for sure. Just once, but what is that??
If this had been a proper therapy, what would have been uncovered? Maybe neither physical nor sexual abuse, no. If we leave that, yes, let’s do that! But exposed to emotional humiliations of different degrees, some fairly mild (as we see it). And disrespect and disregard, but what longterm consequences does this give?
Don’t forget; a child needs to learn to give up (avstå), need to learn to handle frustrations, which the life always will be about and contain!! Frustrations that there are other kids in the family, that mom’s lap already is full, that the father's mood is so stretched that he can’t control his outbreaks (even the slight, small ones), that he need to use a child for work…
Think about what you experience as grown up!! What concern frustrations! And to be forced to do things you don’t really like etc. If you haven't learned this early!!
If you haven’t learned this properly then, which you probably didn't learn, which is why you have problems now and need to come to me as therapist now, you poor thing!! Maybe your parents didn’t manage to be firm and consequent enough (were too kind to say it straight, not strict enough, or??)…
And think if you missed steps in development which you have to take back now!??? Let’s explore this together!?
Some morning-thoughts a rainy morning…
I have a lot more thoughts that I keep for myself, for now at least…
But: if you don’t benefit from such a treatment, then… There is something really wrong with you!!?? Then you must be really sick??
And if this had been (what I think) proper therapy, what would have been uncovered, as noone couldn't see or maybe even imagine?? Where no physical abuse existed (except for that one occasion) and no sexual abuse (except for...)... What was that to speak of?? Which also happened just once!!
Bosch talks about the first resort a child takes, to a defence she calls the Primary, where the child blames her/himself for what she/he is (or has been) exposed to, and this defence can even mean that the child believes she/he actually wanted this too?? Even if this state is painful, it is less painful than realizing the truth Bosch means.
And isn't it exactly this tendency, to blame oneself, this sort of therapy above mean is the way to recovery and healing???!!! When it actually is to strengthen a defence - said straightly?? And thus rather distancing the client even more from her/his truth??
A clever client can probably "live up to" (fulfill) this, to all expectations from all and everyone and even the therapist's... And many also does, and even more clients have done during all years therapy has existed!?
But the ones that questions this view... And dare to speak this up... They are labeled? What they say is seen as resistance, as proofs of a sickness that isn't curable? They are seen as... yes, what? They are paranoiac, which doesn't trust in the therapist and his/her ideas or methods??
Alice Miller in an answer to a readers’ letter:
“To me, real love is never harmful and abuse is never love.”
The Italian woman (therapist??) mentioned in this letter and her home-site (in Italian though).
Addition at 15:28:
I got a new book yesterday about the cooperation in the use of psychiatric treatment and care. In the end there is a chapter about the power-relation in a therapeutic context.
There it stands that the most central question in all work with human beings - is the question of power. A fundamental condition, prerequisite which has to be made clear in all treatment-work. They mean it is about making clear responsibility- and role-allotments (??) between the therapist and the client, not about loosing or giving power away.
It’s important that the power relation which will always occur in the relation caregiver-user is also acknowledged by the therapist. The client will always be the one exposed and under seen from a power-perspective.
The power-perspective acknowledges and builds its tools to create equivalent conditions, so that the client’s voice gets a decisive place in the development of the therapy.
This will demand a strengthened professionalism to pick up the clients experiences and base the arrangements upon what is put forward. Especially important is a good knowledge of alternative methods which can be adapted to the individual client.
Besides one has to keep and develop a critical stance to ones own attitude towards the client and towards ones role as therapist. And it is exactly this that is so exciting with such praxis. But it demands a professional quality on a high level and that the therapist is confident in his/her role and has a repertoire of methods.
Oh, what wonderful music, “An die musik” by Schubert (I think). Am sitting here writing with the TV on with a program from the Dramaten in the memory of Ingmar Bergman, Peter Mattei, baritone, and Roland Pöntinen, piano, playing!! See separate posting later!!
Watch this from the Metropolitan! With Mattei.