More thoughts…

The man whose letters I referred to in the previous blogpost wrote something that triggered the following:

”…deep down there is this anger at my father for how he treated my mother, my brother and I, and how I never stood up for myself and never took my desires and wants, and feelings first.”

But a small child couldn’t and shouldn’t do that!! It was his parents which should have taken his desires, wants and feelings seriously and first, it was heir duty!? They who should have respected the small boy this young man once was! And later the grown up man too.

I came to think about a psychology professor or psychiatrist who was called as an expert concerning a man who had brutally raped and murdered a little girl and a prostitute in the south of this country. The “expert” said about this man as a small boy that he didn’t turn to other adults, which a healthy (not sick) child would have done. All other normal children would have done this??? But it was something with this little boy so he didn’t seek a substitute for what he didn’t get at home I think this “expert” meant. Instead this boy searched himself out in the nature where he lived, alone. Escaped there?

The “expert” thus blamed that little boy!! It was his fault!!?? Something wrong with him!!?? He should have been able to seek for another grown up?? Or? Should he?? Why didn’t he? Had he lost all trust in grown ups maybe, and why?? Think if there didn’t exist such grown ups in his surrounding at all either?? And think if this small boy had been so traumatized so early that he had lost all these capacities?? So he couldn’t do this? What had he been exposed to?? As we don’t want to hear or just can’t imagine?

Blaming yourself as a child for not being able to cope, to take care of yourself and fill your own needs, instead of blaming the ones that failed! Bosch and Jenson call this a defence, the Primary (“det ursprungliga försvaret” in Swedish?)!! I.e., a protection against realizing a truth that would have killed the small boy probably?? And as we adults can’t and won’t imagine!!? We too tend to blame the small child then, put the responsibility on him for not being able to take better care of himself (is that a child’s duty?)!!??

And what this “exert” showed was in fact contempt for the small, power- and helpless and totally dependent child!!?? He showed an entire lack of empathy and sensitivity?? Grounded probably in contempt for the small boy he once was too?? Thus he too had used the Primary defence, i.e., the defence to blame oneself (as we all do, more or less, depending on how we were treated). And he goes on blaming children for not being able to cope better?? Contempt for children’s inabilities, lack of capacities etc.?

And what do such experts do in the folk-souls and in society at large?? Strengthening this contempt even more?? And the insensitivity and lack of understanding/comprehension for his patients/clients in the long run, in the extension/lengthening! Can such an expert be of any help to those which seek his help (or are forced to rely on it?)?? Can he liberate any patient/client?? What does he do?

By this I don’t mean to apologize what this man had done! At all! For there are no apologizes for this. But you can maybe understand how he has become the one he is and even better maybe learn how you shall not treat children!! And see signs when you should intervene…