Have been painting ...

Have been painting for more than four hours. This was really a work!! And it looks as I have to paint some parts once again, paint a second layer. But it stands on the paint-can the paint has to dry to the next day!!! So I have to wait till tomorrow. To paint one window takes three days at least!! If I counted right now?? Think if one could take down two windows each time and make place in the garage for painting them there??

When I came in now for afternoon-coffee there was a small dog which wanted to play!!! He is four and a half years but still wants to play! Fun! He isn’t too big for that! Oh, I would like to hug him and hug him, but that he doesn’t allow one, there goes his boundary!! He is a he you know!! “Don’t come here!!” But playing is ok! Very ok!

There have been a couple of rain-showers in the midst of painting. I wonder if I dare to grind the next window, with the electric grind-machine?? But I would like to, so I can start even earlier tomorrow with that window and the under-painting of that window; oil the wood-white parts, puttying the glass and do the under-painting.

Pause in writing.

Have grinded two more windows and round them…

Pause again in the writing.

A walk with the small dog Eskil. He is so cute. Suddenly he threw himself into the soft blueberry-wires and rolled in it. When he comes in he sometimes goes to his favourite corner in the hall and throws himself into this too!! It looks so fun! I wish I could relax as he does! And show feelings as he! The gladness he shows. And sometimes he can really jog along, with the tail and head low, slowly and showing that he is doing something he doesn’t really want!! Talk about body language!! Or is it we who project our own feelings and moods in him?? :-)

Pause again.

Came to think about self-destructivity and destructiveness again (read something I had written earlier this spring in a sort of diary I write)… A piano-teacher at a Conservatoire: “There is something destructive in you…” Holding the achievements on piano on a lower level than what was there, I think… Afraid of measuring up to the real standard?? Afraid of what? That it should be exploited, used?? That and others things too? Afraid of being seen and really appreciated? Getting a “genuine love”?? And thus realizing what sort of “love” I had gotten so far? That would have been too painful to confront?? The comparison would have been too painful?? I would have burst into tears that would never have had stopped? Or gone crazy?

Or I didn’t want that conditional love again?? Because it is only for these sorts of things I have got “love”??? Not for the one I am at all? A small girl (yes, I have always been small and short) struggling to be seen?? Really struggling? Trying with everything? Inventive, doing and trying with everything, full of fantasy…

But now I don’t care about that… There are other things that are more important than achievements.

And that to blame oneself: “We should have thought of … when we built this house (1981), not building so big a house…” Should have done this and that, not this and that. Thought of this and that. Stupid us!! We should have known because doesn’t people use to build own houses now and then?? People just know and shall know!!?? Immediately know everything, even those things they have never done!? And they shall do it perfectly too from the first beginning, or almost perfectly!? All does? Taking the blame on, apologising for everything… A strong primary defence if one should use Bosch terminology. Who had to take care of who?

And came to think if you didn’t get that “reassurance” of being touched on ones own terms as a small and very small child… High up in age, as old, you can get ache in your body? A male acquaintance got rheumatism when he was round 75… Is this inevitable? With ache in the body??

Addition: Read a blog and think I want to write about egoism and being totally dependent or having no dependence needs… Thought of the latter this morning actually, but now I also read something…