fredag 13 juli 2007

Girl- and women power… Or?

More high thinking and threads in many directions maybe… A. had written a blogpost about ”Because I’m a girl” and this together with other things triggered things… About voice again and language and communication… I have chosen a work where the language is music… The expression is music. Only spoken words aren’t enough to express everything a human being need to express! And we need other sorts of “nutrition” too? And definitely not only material things, but artistic expressions of all different kinds and other people around us not least…

And music is about communication too! It IS communication! Is it this that is so scary (see blogpost yesterday)?

The spoken language isn’t the main thing in my work, or in a way it is, too, honestly. Because that’s what I use when I teach pupils and students, together with showing, singing (I am singing a lot!!) etc. And many musicians have the spoken and written language too. As the pianist Käbi Laretei for instance (which came from Estonia as refugee as 18 years old woman and she write better than many Swedes) and her former husband Ingmar Bergman. Many of Bergman’s women have written books, and books interesting to read I think: Käbi, Bibi Andersson, Liv Ullman… And his first wife Ellen Bergman has written a book too, or initiated one at least!!! She came with a book together with one of her grandchildren (photographer??) one or two years ago, called “Three Questions” if I remember right.

What I wanted to come to was that the emotional language is less reliable or trustworthy than the “rational”?? The more emotional language the less reliable? And it has become even more the last years? The one expressing her/himself very emotionally can’t be taken really seriously?

And to connect to the blogpost I mentioned in the beginning; the emotional language could also be called “the female language”, if one should generalise. And the rational is “the male language” (but there are men having the emotional language and women which have the “rational”. Too.)

But today the emotional language is needed more than ever???

Also struck me yesterday, if I shall switch to something entirely else, about working hard and utterly diligent: when we did something with dad; papering walls, painting houses, hay harvest or something like that, we should do it extremely rapidly and swiftly!!! A enormous restlessness in him or to get it done immediately or both and more things under this? His enormous impatience? He was like a bulldozer!?

Actually I mentioned this to mom too, as if I was struck by an Aha-experience evaluating the days work and how I had done it (and how I do other things too, maybe everything??), that I have adopted this pattern really?? And I don’t know if I like this really? In the long run it isn’t healthy?? But dad lived till he was over 83 and had a very strong heart the doctors thought when he lived and lived and lived after they had taken the drop with nutrition and liquid away, because they meant he would die soon with the growing metastasis in the brain and they didn’t want to prolong the struggle…

Mom laughed and immediately said about my comment on working hard, that dad’s oldest brother (four years older than dad) had got fairly irritated (and tired?!!) when he should help dad (and us?) with the hay-harvest, because dad worked so hard!!! And he dared to express it too!!!

I got a picture in turn, of me and my three year younger sister (I was 16 or 17 then) when we stood at the hay-loft and dad and my one year younger brother stood on the ground below throwing hay to us up there. We worked and worked and worked. But it didn’t help much; suddenly we stood there with hay to our chins, sweaty, itching on our whole bodies of hay, dust and sweat, coughing of all dust too and had to shout to them down there to take it a bit easy. They slowed down a bit, but very little?? Or one of them came up to us, sighing over our weakness?? And at that time I had tested my, what we call, condition and it was the best of all girls in my class, and I had fairly strong legs too because of all riding, so even if I am small and short I was fairly strong!! That didn’t help!! Even if I probably was stronger than many in my size (it’s extremely important to be clever!!??)!! I am both angry and ironic writing this, now. Never really good enough or “fitting”??? What I even achieved or managed!!??

Irritatingly fast, rapid, swift and effective when I do things?? And yes, sometimes too much!! In all spontaneity… Have to balance all carefulness???

Pause in writing.

Took the car to the village. In the car I came to think about the voice-teacher me and my niece and one of my nephews (and two of my nephews male friends) took eight lessons for last fall. She said that I sound so positive on my voice! And when she had spoken with me on the phone she thought I was a much younger person than I actually is… I feel a little ambivalent over this, or very ambivalent… The positivism: a teacher’s disease? Overly positive?? Forbidden to sound negative or angry or irritated?

And, as I have written before, alexitymi is increasing in the world, which is lack of emotional language; you have no language for expressing feelings and emotions. And maybe among many researchers a Swedish stress researcher has established that people with alexitymi are at risk of developing heart- and vascular diseases. Here comes that to narrate again!!?? To tell your story, your history, to narrate it! And express your feelings round this narration too?

Addition: Read some words in a couple of readers' mail on Millers webb (from yesterday and today. The words "irrational" and "body-language"... Apropos what's actually rational and apropos language.

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