About caring for, thinking of…

Restlessness, always doing something, always occupied… Regulator: getting outbursts on those nearest (and thus relief, though temporary), preferably on the children? A father again?

Or needing to get needs filled; needs to be cared about, thought of, being respectfully treated, needs for talking-partner etc. A mother? Usually?

Don’t children care naturally? Don’t they show respect? Don’t they think of? Are they egoistic, selfish? Are some more and others less? Why? Something inherited?

But what about grown ups in this respect? And what has the upbringing done to this, hasn’t it contributed? Or has it done much to make this better (or has it done those things worse, or maybe even caused them??)? And nevertheless we persist in doing more of the same when we are raising children!?? Yes, think if parents haven’t been strict enough!!!!??? Maybe that’s what it is about? (observe the irony!!).

And what are these needs in grown ups being cared for, caring, being shown respect, to show respect, to be thought of, think of, having someone to talk with about (of shame we are holding it in the family? It was even more so before; one didn’t even go to a therapist earlier!!!)?? Can the motives be fairly egoistic, selfish? To satisfy or gratify those needs through our children? Even if it is unconsciously… Insatiable needs? So even if the children turn themselves outside in, even if they turned out being angels, they will never be able to fill those needs!? And those who succeed almost being “angels” and are sacrificing their whole life will maybe (or even often) never be appreciated and their sacrifice not seen?

And that you didn’t succeed to fill all you didn’t get as a child yourself you blame yourself, for to protect yourself against the painful and frightening truth.

You blame yourself for the parent’s defectiveness and imperfectness, more the more defective and imperfect they were, you blame yourself that they treated you badly, respectlessly etc. The child thought it deserved this because its nature and character. And the grown up still thinks he/she deserved this. To protect her/himself against the painful truth. Yes, the child thinks it is done for its own good. And the grown up still thinks it was done for ones own good!! If there isn’t anyone that can help the grown up (but the best would be if anyone could help the child – then) to question and see as wrong and unfair what it had to go through.

What do these needs about caring, about thinking of express?? Was it the small child which had needed this? And the size of this need rather reflects or mirrors the lack of these things during the childhood.

With this not said a grown up here and now can do without these things… But is it after all different if a child (dependent, help- and powerless) or a grown up (which seldom is really dependent or power- or helpless) experience this? It can be well as painful for a grown up but how was it not then for the child??

Bosch in fact writes about this (page 92-93): she experienced an unintentional regression when her Rogerian therapist was going for vacation. Just a gaze at her elbow disappearing brought up a memory and she cried as she had never done before. She then remembered that such an intense reaction, not in proportion to the actual event, probably was about something past, and then she got a picture. Her parents were going for vacation and left their small daughter to a neighbour which walked away quickly with the small girl to save her from the separation-pain.

“I had crossed the previously locked doors and had fully experienced some of what it was like behind them. I had disclosed an important truth about my childhood. This first regressive experience had helped me to realize on a very profound level, that the pain of my childhood was more terrible than I had ever known, even though I had acknowledged the pain of it in an intellectual sense before.

This might sound appealing to everyone. Many clients however report that even though the emotional pain they experience when they surrender to their old feelings can be tremendous, they are able to survive, and they even report that it doesn’t feel as horrible as they had feared. In a way, it can even feel good. It is a tremendous relief to come to understand that the truth can’t harm you, that it belongs to you and that you are willing to let it enter your life. Clients are usually relieved when they are able to fully give in to an old feeling while simultaneously establishing a link to the past, where the true source of the feelings lies.

In this sense, feeling old pain is essential to healing. By defending ourselves against old pain we cannot develop a full understanding of which feelings, thoughts or beliefs are from childhood, and which are from the present realty. That takes us back to the first element of healing, the cognitive understanding of what is now and what was then. It is as if through feeling the old pain we gain conscious entrance into the storage place for old emotional memories, the amygdala, because now our more rational brain, the neo cortex is involved in the experience as well.”

And there has been several “readers’ letters” at Millers web now in he beginning of July about the theme narrating in form of diary, letters etc.
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Bosch skriver på sidorna 92-93: “Jag hade passerat den tidigare låsta dörren och hade fullt upplevt något av det som fanns bakom den. Jag hade avslöjat/uppenbarat en viktig sanning om min barndom. Denna första regressiva erfarenhet hade hjälpt mig att inse på en väldigt djup nivå at smärtan från min barndom var ännu förfärligare än jag någonsin hade vetat, även om jag hade erkänt smärtan av den på ett intellektuellt sätt tidigare.

Detta kan låta tilltalande för alla. Många klienter rapporterar dock att även om den känslomässiga smärtan när de ger efter för sina gamla känslor kan vara enorm, är de förmögna att överleva och de rapporterar även att det inte känns så hemskt som de befarade. På ett sätt kan det till och med kännas bra. Det är en enorm befrielse att förstå att sanningen inte kan skada dig, att den hör till dig och att du är villig att låta den komma in i ditt liv. Klienter blir vanligtvis befriade när de är förmögna att helt ge efter för en gammal känsla medan de samtidigt upprättar en länk/förbindelse till det gångna, där den verkliga källan till känslorna ligger.

I detta avseende är det väsentligt att känna gammal smärta för att helas. Genom att försvara oss mot gammal smärta kan vi inte utveckla full förståelse för vilka känslor, tankar eller övertygelser som kommer från barndomen och vilka som kommer från verkligheten nu. Detta för oss tillbaka till den första förutsättningen för helande, den kognitiva förståelsen för vad som är nu och vad som var då. Det är som om vi genom att känna gammal smärta får medvetet tillträde till lagringsplatsen för gamla minnen, amygdala, därför att nu är också vår mer rationella del av hjärnan neocortex involverad.”