Very spontaneously written (not proof-read): A daughter to her mother in a silent reflection about a male blogger on the net (he is one of the better):
”He has been home with his small child, and during that time been blogging fairly a lot – and writing well. But now when he has started working his blogging has decreased to almost nothing… Would a mother have done that; sitting at the computer while her little child lay on the floor playing?”
“When you were small I was occupied with a lot”, the mom reflected back,
“fixing up, sewing cloths, a period when we lived in x (the home the first 6, 5 years since her marriage) I even had a pillow case web in the loom… But a mother in a loom is more accessible than a parent at the computer” she thought.
“I am not so sure that is or was the case,” the daughter thought for herself silently.
Children having a mother that had to be good enough, struggled herself blue to be good enough. To get love and acceptation. A love and acceptation she had already got plenty of?
Had got an education, which was more than all her relatives, and her whole family. A real, proper education, an education on over 3, 5 years, despite she quited school already at 12 years (what does a 12-year old do with no school to go to?? Learning to sew and weave and later at 15 she worked at the cottage hospital).
Later, round when she was twenty, she entered a folk-high school and could finally get the education she saw as a goal. Because she doubted she would find a man and get an own family, which could or would love her…
Her younger sister was much better looking (in fact very good-looking, curly dark hair and glittering, blue eyes, dimples in her cheeks), and she herself was fairly ugly she thought.
But when she had her first work after a finished education she met a man, with an even higher education than she had… It was he who dated her, and that was something strange for this man coming from an entirely different part of the country. It was she or noone. He was thirty-two I think and she almost seven years younger.
After one years engagement she got pregnant, much unplanned, and they had to marry. The wedding occurred when she was six months into the pregnancy (and the baby was born more than three weeks before the planned delivery).
They were forbidden to visit his family, for the shame that they were expecting a baby before marriage – how awful!
The couple settled far away from their families of origin. They wanted, unconsciously, to have them on distance, needed to free themselves from their influence. But this didn’t make them free, which should be clear as time went by. Because that sort of freedom comes from within, not from outside, not from any measures outside in the world. The spirits of their original families hang over the young family… But they never broke off from them.
His family had come to think that he should remain bachelor the rest of his life, take care of his aging parents and his only sister. Two brothers had already own families, the youngest got his when he was just above twenty.
The young couple was the best educated in their families, and created another sort of family than their original I think. With other ideals, other interests. For instance culturally…
All their coming children got educated, in very different areas, fairly high all…
Now back to that wedding. A few relatives came; the brides younger sister (only 21 at the time), the grooms mother and sister (I think).
The bride cooked the wedding-dinner herself, and cried in the food. She felt totally worthless; it was all her fault she had got pregnant. She had seduced the man to it. All must think she had done this deliberately to catch this highly educated man – she thought.
Her coming mother in law had told her son what bed they should buy, and he came home and told his coming wife this.
The coming bride felt more and more suppressed, or oppressed. Totally worthless.
The groom didn’t even think of buying flowers for the wedding or that they should get photographed. So there is no wedding-photo, from this wedding at all, and no photos in the whole from this wedding either.
Later he never bought any flowers or presents to her at all; he didn’t think that was necessary, he didn’t think she cared. I guess it was pure carelessness, no thought in that direction whatsoever.
When this bride grew up her mother pulled the children’s hair. Think!! How did that feel. This mother was entirely occupied with herself. Her father worked all his awaken time, came home and fell asleep in the kitchen-sofa. Even on Christmas. A hard and respected worker is the picture that is forwarded to his grandchildren. Very concerned about doing his duty.
At one occasion this girl (the second child in line of five, of which the child in the middle, a girl, died just a few years old, buried in a mass-grave, because they couldn’t afford an own grave for her) crushed the car-lights to a car-wreck together with her younger best friend. The small girls were then not more than five years, maybe even younger. When the father found out about this he came home and beat the girl up furiously with a belt.
The girl was aware of this and still is. But she hasn’t been able to couple this with justified feelings of rage. She goes on blaming herself for all and everything.
As grown up this girl had very low self-esteem, despite her education and all her achievements. Despite respect from people around, and I think even manly interest. Because she had something… It was something around her. A radiation of some kind…
Once she met her husbands boss, it was winter. He saw her on distance, and suddenly he crossed the lawn with all snow to avoid meeting her. She didn’t understand a thing. Got confused and felt embarrassed. And I don’t know what. Felt he didn’t like her. That he thought she was disgusting.
Many years later, when this man was retired since long and his wife was dead, and he had reached the age over 80 he visited this family when they lived in another place.
A quite charmy old man. Which said that this family one never forgot. They had made such an impression on him, with all the kids that came one after the other. A bunch of cute children. Well-mannered, and I guess fairly talented…
But could she ever enjoy her life, all these cute and fine children, her life, her achievements and successes and all appreciation she got? Did she develop as she could have done? Was she there for her children? Always struggling and striving? Did she see what occurred?
A glimpse of a family’s story…