Being in control, having things in check...

picture taken yesterday, it is as cold as it looks.

Thoughts that have been triggered (about equality and how it is in society today and what this can result in), trying some thoughts here: keeping things in check and control is highly regarded!? We tend to admire those who despite whatever occurs around them keep things in check and control and seem to be superior… People that aren't needy!? Needy people are a nuisance or can be?? Contempt for weakness, i.e. for the weak child we have pushed very far away in ourselves? The less we have contact with it (or rather the suppressed feelings from early) the more condemning we are!?

The one that doesn’t have her/his feelings in check is seen down on, gets despised. Are the margins for what we allow narrower and becomes narrower the more pressed we get? Does this lie in the power’s interest? Are some of them highly aware of this and plays on this, cynically?? Playing people out against each others!? Putting the focus elsewhere than on things the ones in power do?

Cat on the rope and the rope on the rat phenomena? See this text in Swedish (the man who has written the text works at something called ESV, which is "Ekonomistyrningsverket", or "The Swedish National Financial Management Authority" in English, an authority I hadn't the faintest idea existed!!). He uses fairy-tales as metaphors and in the text it stands that the cat stands for effectivity!! And it also stands about "patience as a tool"... Phew! The patience can get too stretched too. See the previous blogpost about being a clever girl is a disease!! (yes, of course it is seen as a disease? quite ironically).

I can see for my eyes people stressed and tense needing to act things out, to pour things out? What can that result in?

And what is or can the price for keeping things in check and control be?

That you act things out on others (or things), get an outburst, and react on innocent people (preferably weaker or lower in the hierarchy, as people under you at work, as higher bosses at lower, as bosses at employees, as men at women near them and at their own children (if they have any), as woman at their children, and/or that you act things out on yourself? In different manners. Thus acts destructively and/or self destructively. But I think Miller is right: the less you have suppressed from early in life the less you need to act things out, or to act symbolically, despite circumstances.

See Ingeborg Bosch on defences; False power anger and False power denial of needs...

PS. With a tired smile: unfortunately I don't have own children...

When I drove home from work today a lot of thoughts tumbled around in my head... I was a bit (least to say?) upset over a greeting I had just received for the Christmas when I left work (a greeting to relax! Hmmm... So I get nicer and not so angry? Hmmm... And more easy to handle? It's my tiredness' fault!?? Convenient to have that to blame?? A soar button was touched?? A button that had become soar again, and aching again?).

My oldest nephew celebrated his 21st birthday yesterday, so did a male colleagues only daughter (this colleague has three sons too). He comes back time and again to that it is something special with having a daughter. Of some reason I am reacting at this, I don't know what it is about... Contempt from my part? Contempt for weakness. Of some reason I think he is pure and cheer foolish or silly (larvig in Swedish!). This daughter is also born December 18, she turned 14 yesterday, so now the risk is that she is getting more and more interested in boys... The father doesn't look forward to this. He jokes and says he will take his shot-gun (hagelbössa) forward that day.

When we queued for the food yesterday I stood behind a female colleague, she has a son soon 40 and a daughter not 30 yet. My male colleague also stood there and they started to talk about their children. For my female colleague it's the son that is the favorite... Phew!! It is something special for her with her son.

At the table where I sat a female colleague sat with her three week old daughter in a baby-carriage near. The baby so cute and so amazingly small. In a new red velvet-dress with the ghost Laban on (from a Swedish child book).

There was a lot of child-talk... I sat with colleagues that have grandchildren too (but it showed that the son to one of my males colleagues at the table was divorced, only a few years over 20 with a son only two years. So everything isn't rosy. And there are no guarantees for anything for anybody, so maybe the talk wasn't so fun for him either?)... One that is retired sat next to the left. I also joined the talk with reflections on how I was raised, how that was, as the oldest of five siblings only seven yeas old the extremely clever big-sister?? In many, many senses, in almost all senses? (Was I ever allowed to be small??). And my great-grandmother who got 17 children on 21 years. One child died at birth and the others got old, the average age is over 83 years...

How we traveled during the summer-vacation from Skåne in the south of this country to Norrbotten in the north, six children in a car with no air condition (that didn't exist then?). Sounding almost like a gypsy-gang!!?? It was a feeling I got mirrored by a female collegue younger than I, with whom the person-chemistry isn't the best, and has never been.

But the fact is that we weren't poor... Not materially at least... And all these 6 children are well-educated today... In quite different areas... Noone is though any go-getter (streber in Swedish), I think!! All hard working, responsible-taking (well too much), and I don't think we take much space (or??), aren't very eager to be in focus?

I am quite tired of being so modest?? I think I have sacrificed enough as it is... That I shouldn't have to apologize for my existence anymore, nor for my needs...

Short, small and fairly dark. Small hands, which our director of studies (studierektor) established today when he came into the room where I sat fixing letters to all my pupils/students. Suddenly seeing how small these hands are??? Not big piano-hands...

Talk about feelings, a storm of feelings, and interpretations (right or wrong)... Laban - the ghost.